I'm digesting this one still. It struck some chords with me because in some ways, I feel like I might possibly share some of mr. corri's demons. I'm experiencing some things right now which might provide some insights. I just got back from 6 days in San Francisco where I filled up about 4 future C sessions worth of revelation. It's been 2 months since I've been to our C. Life has been peaceful but I scheduled an appt. for Mon. I'll be back.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
While what mr. corri did was disrespectful, to me it was predictable. I disagree with NOP and I'm not so certain that your H's job-based-other-validation is the root cause. I'll think about this some and try to give some insight. It has to do with the value we place on 1. the relationship 2. the other person and 3. ourselves. It's freaking crazy.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I'm going out on a limb here with this response but I have a bit of theory. I'm not going to speak to your sitch but rather talk about mine with the hope that it provides some insight.
While we should (theoretically) be able to self-validate, I have found that my efforts to do so are frequently undermined by the responses of others. I went out bar hopping in San Francisco last week with two other married men and one of the guys seemed to have a better "magnetism" with women than I did. I've always thought of myself as good looking, funny, cool, etc. but this made me think that my self-image is flawed...I might be delusional (like Will Farrell and Chris Katan's SNL sketch Night at the Roxbury). So in my own imaginary world, I do much better than I do in real life...it makes you think about things.
But wait a sec Dave!!! You shouldn't even be trying...your freaking married!!!
Yes, I am married but it's been a lonely one. At home I don't feel any more magnetic than I did in public. So WTF is wrong with me. Why *should* I like myself...better yet, what qualities are attracting women to my coworkers and not me? So, after being invited by some local women to go to a Salsa club, I tried an experiment...I took the ring off and tried to see if that was the deterrent. (yes folks...I know what you are thinking here - I suck). The only thing that happened was that one of the women I was with noticed my de-accessorization and started giving me [censored] for not valuing my marriage etc. I explained to her that I was trying to experience the evening as a single person but that I wouldn't be "closing the deal" with anyone. She went into a long tirade about how much she has wanted to have a family so bad, and that being single sucks etc. She proceeded to paint a picture of what she perceived my life to be...that I was good dad and strong husband etc.
Ok...let's slow down a bit and let me try to make sense of this.
While I was definitely being a big turd for everything I was doing, I wasn't motivated by the problems in our sex life but rather by the fact that my self-image has always exceeded the percieved, telltale responses from others. The situation where my friend was overtly hit on triggered a crazy response in me..."why him and not me?" I truly don't want to go to bed with another woman. Getting an "offer" is the gold.
So here I am in various bars and clubs in SF feeling like I have something to prove to myself and it's not working and I'm getting progressively more "disturbed".
The irony of the situation is this. On one of the nights, I visited a friends bar and was invited by a group of locals to go bar hopping. The next night, I ended up being invited out to other clubs with a group of locals. I was with someone who had created a perception of me which, when broken, shook her severely (I think I made this woman trust men much less than she already did). Maybe I'm just not "pick-up" material but rather a good, fun guy who should focus on his strengths rather than his weaknesses. Maybe this other woman's perception of me (prior to catching me with my ring off) is the me I should try to be. (note: As I write this, I cringe because I'm clearly exhibiting a huge lack of connection with the "real me" as I try to figure out who it really is.)
So how the hell does this apply to Mr. Corri? Well, let me ask Corri something....what's a bigger violation of trust - removing a wedding ring, and going clubbing with women in another city OR a (possibly accidental) moneyshot in the mouth of your spouse when you are fairly certain that said spouse doesn't prefer it? Don't answer this.
Mr. Corri might some legacy junk going on that makes him do such a compulsive act. As he is growing into the "image" of a successful family guy, a small part of him might want to pretend to be a swinging pornstar. You, on the other hand might have some legacy junk too which made this act a much bigger deal. It hurt and his first response to it was juvenile, but that might just be *him* just as my compulsion to get phone numbers is *me*. Do I love my W? Of course. Do I love being married? Most of the time. Do I love myself? "Myself" is too much of a moving target to love.
I don't know if this helped anyone...it feels like I hijacked this thread with my own story and I'm sorry if I did. I just seemed to have a moment of empathy for mr. corri because anyone who has been in sketchy marriages a. has brought personal issues to the marriage b. has developed personal issues because of the marriage.
I'm defending what he did anymore than I would try to defend what I was doing...we both f'd up.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
You are a very attractive man. You were probably giving off all sorts of weird "red light, green light" vibes that would make single women hesitate to approach you. Besides, who knows why one particularly bold woman attempted to hit on your friend rather than you. I was generally too shy to hit on men back in my single days but I definitely would have been too shy to hit on a good looking guy who was giving off "not available" vibes. I mean,after all, your plan was to see if you could entice women into hitting on you and then reject them. I'm just curious, were you actually actively flirting with women or were you just sitting around looking pretty and hoping they would flirt with you? What exactly were you hoping to be validated for? I'm not trying to get on your case. I freely admit to choosing to wear tighter t-shirts in public when my H rejected me. I guess the impression I get from your post is that you would like to be having sex with a woman who has "object oriented arousal" towards you rather than a woman who is choosing to have sex with you out of a sense of love/responsibility towards you.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I need to think about this one. I gotta say that I am rather surprised that your friend getting hit on more than you has had such an effect on you. BFD? I know it's an ego boost and all... but why do you need the ego boost?
This is YOUR issue, not your wife's. And it sounds like you are feeling rather guilty about it.
Quote: As he is growing into the "image" of a successful family guy, a small part of him might want to pretend to be a swinging pornstar. You, on the other hand might have some legacy junk too which made this act a much bigger deal. It hurt and his first response to it was juvenile, but that might just be *him* just as my compulsion to get phone numbers is *me*.
Don't go there. Don't try to find a reason to pin half the blame on me.
Dave... it really sounds like you are in a tailspin to me, and I'd encourage you to go back to the shrink. You coming to grips with your 'self-image' is very important. And it is your image, no one elses.
Getting back to the original question. Do any of the women like having their husbands "taste" them? My W would sometimes have what the call female ejaculation. I would love for her to deposit this in my mouth. Things like that don't do much for her though, she being LD .
I would have to say I love the thought of H "tasting" me. I love the oral aspect of ML. However, it is rather hard to get a feel for it from H now because he always acted like it was a big chore for him to do that. I don't think he actually liked it before our problems started.
I've followed your threads and your responses on other threads and you are to be commended for some of your advice and for stepping up and trying to make your relationship better.
I do have an observation or two and wanted to at least throw it out there for some food for thought.
One thing you reitterate over and over is that communication is key to any relationship. On this, I totally agree.
What I have noticed with you though is it seems like when you communicate with your H, sometimes he says things and you don't hear him. You get offended by what he just said and you just don't hear what he is saying because he didn't frame it the way you would like.
A while back, I read something from you where your H in the morning, asked for a BJ before he went off to work, you took great pride in yourself by standing up to him and saying, "What's in it for me?"
You get very offended when you climb in to bed after him and he bluntly asks you for a BJ.
Your H at times has tried seducing you and you think that is ridiculas because, "you're a sure thing".
Your H comes out the other day and tells you, "our sex life sucks", "you control our sex life".
For some reason though, you don't hear him. You may not feel you control your SL, but your H obviously feels you do. Do you ever ask yourself why he feels that way?
Although what your H did was rude, for that one instant he was in control. You absolutely hated it. How did you put it? Volcano angry.
Someone said a while back, their SL was leftover S. take out everything the spouse would not do and what you have left is the leftovers.
I think your H has been telling you he wants some spontaneity, want to sometimes be able to make a request that seems a little over the top and have it be fullfilled. Kind of a fantasy come true. I'd even venture that he'd probably get pretty turned on by you making some over the top request of him.
Holy shiit, if that isn't a Cup of Corri handed back at me, I don't know what is...
There is probably a great deal of truth in what you are saying, and I think I will have to get over the truth slapping me in the face before I can belly up to the bar and own my less than optimum behavior traits.
I get all self-righteous just like anyone else in the midst of a pity party. Then people like you and NOP come along and say, "do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?"
I'll have to show my H this post. It'll paste a smile on his face ear to ear. He'll probably frame it.
I guess the impression I get from your post is that you would like to be having sex with a woman who has "object oriented arousal" towards you rather than a woman who is choosing to have sex with you out of a sense of love/responsibility towards you. 