Quote: I was not saying that you should tolerate his assness or laugh it off and say, What a teenager you are!...
Oh, I know you were not.
Quote: What I was saying was that, if you look beneath the delivery, you and he are saying the same thing to each other: I am not happy with the status of the R.
That seems, to me, to be a very positive sign and a joint place from which to start.
Yes, that is what is occuring. We have no problem reaching this point.
Quote: If you are adopting that approach because your H won't agree to do anything else, then I get it and understand and applaud you.
The only thing H agrees upon is having more sex. He's entitled.
Quote: One question: How was this addressed in MC? I'm specifically talking about him meeting YOUR needs. What did he agree to and how did that all pan out?
First, I had to be able to verbalize to him what my needs were. This took me quite a lot of time to figure out. In the meantime, I did the 'just do it' approach... didn't think he should have to wait until I got my ducks in a row, hm?
Through this process, I was able to figure out what my needs were. I need to know, in a way that is meaningful to me, that I am wanted/needed/important to him. I need encouragement from him, I need him to share his thoughts with me. I guess I am a words of affirmation girl. When I told him this, I got: "Do you know how hard that is for me?!"
Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Quote: One last one: How does your husband usually bring it up that he is dissatisfied with the R? Is it in this same stellar fashion that he used the other night?
- "Our sex life sucks."
- "Our relationship sucks."
- "You have control of the relationship and I just have to accept it."
- He'll tell CLOSE friends, in front of me, how long it's been since we've last had sex.
- "I need... x, y, z."
- He makes statements about what I am not doing for him, or he'll take pot shots at me.
I've spent time with him, telling him that he would get a much better, faster, different response from me if he would take a different approach with me. I've given him examples of phrases I'd like to hear. He sees this as a 'begging for the bone' scenario... much like an LD insists on seeing sex as 'you only want to get your rocks off.'
He is determined to see it this way, just as an LD insists that sex isn't important, to avoid confronting his own insecurities. I know how scary it is...
You know, it's funny, I could walk into MC tomorrow and tell the shrink EXACTLY WHY I am LD. That is a bonus revelation to me. I'm not blaming it on him, I just have a very firm grasp now on what makes me tick... and what doesn't.
Though I can get words of affirmation from darn near anyone, these are things I need from my H to fuel my desire for him. Yeah, I can get affirmation from the guy behind the counter at the grocery, but I don't want to have sex with the grocery guy.
I also know this is why I was vulnerable to and had an EA all those years ago. I was starved for this type of verbal intimacy, and a friendship became more than it should have. I didn't know at the time that this is what was missing from my life, and that is why I got it somewhere else. It isn't as obvious as sex, or a physcial need.
Now that I know this about myself, I understand that if someone zeros in on my verbal/emotional vulnverability, it is the same as a woman sexually coming on to a sex starved man.
To me, my needs are simple. Just as to my H, his needs are simple. In his defense, he has always known what his needs were, but I was not able to verbalize mine. Up and until the point that I could state my needs to him, I was probably more to blame for the state of our R than he was... simply because I didn't know how, did not take the time to figure out what I needed. How can I possibly blame him for that? How could he know something even I did not know?
So, through MC, it boiled down to this: "if you want to save your marriage, you had better figure out who and what you are, what you like, what you dislike, and figure out how to communicate that." This went for the both of us.
I think we pretty much know what we need to know now.
Where I am at fault, again, is trying to do without having my needs met. Overlooking his verbal insensitivities, not calling him on his ass-ness. Trying to fix the R by myself. His idea of working on the R is 'giving me room' to fix it, and me tolerating that.
I've allowed him his excuses... 'he's tired, he works hard, he's stressed.' I've even used these FOR him when he doesn't step up to the plate. I am just as guilty for his lack of success as he is because **I've** tried to fix HIS part.
This is why I am not mad nor angry at him. It's like I've been an overindulgent mother to a spoiled rotten brat of a son, who's committed his third felony and she still insists that he's a 'good boy.'
No, lady, he isn't a good boy, and the fact that you insist on saying he is, and treating him as if he is, is an enormous part of the problem.
I've gotten this far in my mulling. I now owe it to him to communicate this, and to tell him of my intentions. I'm still working on that part.
