quote: --------- My H is having an affair. With his job. ---------
I don't know if you posted that to be nice about my concerns for your relationship or not. If so, then thanks for the kindness. If not, then I have to disagree.
Let me tell you what I see. I could be very wrong, and ultimately, it is probably a mix of a lot of things. I do have some particular concerns however.
It is well established that revisiting old affair partners (be they swap, emotional or other-physical) causes all kinds of problems in a relationship. This is why the most widely accepted recourse for reformed wayward spouses is non-contact with the illicit partner. This works for swapping as well.
I am bringing this up again for a number of reasons.
You and hubby were in a sexually starved marriage. You came here eventually (obviously) looking for support/answers as did I. You have made changes in your relationship and probably given more than your part of the issues back to the marriage in an effort to 'make up' for past problems.
Your husband has stepped up to the plate *some*, but not in direct proportions to your efforts. This is a problem.
More observations;
1) It is obvious that he has an exaggerated sense of entitlement in your sexual relationship. This is a problem.
2) His past experience and emotional connection to your 'girlfriend' is embedded in his mind as a 'good experience'. This is a problem.
3) (conjecture) He is laying in bed with you, his penis in your mouth, and thinks back to the 'girlfriend' and wonders why you can't be more like her. This is a problem.
4) He obviously loves you, and wonders why he can't have 'everything', the love, the history, kids, family, and better sex (his definition of better sex). This is a problem.
5) You just want it to get better. You want this so badly that you were even willing for a while, to suffer his injustice and give him what he thinks he needs anyway. This is a problem.
I know I have barely outlined the problem above, but how do you fix it?
In my opinion, the two of you must come to an ABSOLUTE AGREEMENT to address the issues (even if they are 'leftovers' such as the girlfriend), and agreement as to the basic repair and long term maintenance of your relationship afterward.
That means that you address the other woman/girlfriend issue. You address his MAINTAINABLE sexual needs, not wild fantasies. You address his lack of respect for you. You address his resentments of you.
Then both of you fix your respective issues.
Next, you figure out what the two of you need to do in order to maintain your repaired relationship. How many hours each day you spend together. Your emotional needs. His emotional needs. Etc..
What BOTH of you have to realize is simple, but very difficult.
You must BOTH accept responsibility for the condition of the relationship.
One person, be they low drive or high drive, can not maintain a relationship. That simple fact seems to allude all of us at times, but its undeniableness is what landed all of us here, in our respective quandaries, and on this forum.
Corri. You have done what you can do at this point in time for your relationship. Your husband simply must get involved in a very real and tangible way. You can't be the relationship keeper. You both must be. This is where you are at, in the normal procession of recovery.
Having said that, you will have to tell him the truth - you can't continue like this. He must get involved - DAILY. Work, outside activities, television, whatever, must take a back seat to the repair of your relationship for a while. If you two don't do this soon, then there will be consequences, bad ones. How important is his job if your two aren't together?
Please let me know what you think. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
