Had a convo with the H last night... and I think both OG_Lou and NOP are right.
My H is having an affair. With his job.
I opened by asking him why he thought our relationship was getting off track and he immediately asked me 'what makes you think it's getting off track?' I ignore the dodge and answer the question.
This segways into him wanting specific examples of what I am talking about. For instance, I say, and I bring up his rude behavior from last week, and the mouth shot incident.
He dodges again. "I said I was sorry, and I really am! I guess I just go lost in the moment."
ME: "I know you are sorry. Sorry isn't the issue. I'm OVER being mad about some sperm in my mouth. That isn't the issue. The issue is what was behind the act. Why did you think that was okay to unload in my mouth when we had just discussed that very thing? Why do you feel it is okay to treat me as disrespectfully as you have been treating me this week?"
He tries a few dodge answers, like, I don't know, I just wasn't thinking... which I averted and did not take. When that didn't work, he went on the attack, and told me how I wasn't being affectionate, how I was doing this, that and the other thing... and I said, "we aren't talking about me right now. We can get back to me and what I am or am not doing in a minute. I want to know why you think it is okay to treat me that way."
Silence.
Then I pulled out GEL's line (thank you!!) and I said, "you may not know the answer right now, but I'd really like for you to think about it so we can discuss it tomorrow."
Then I said, "it is clear that neither one of us are happy about the current status of our relationship. What are you actively doing to change that?"
Him: "I'm giving you your space, I don't ask for sex two nights in a row."
ME: "I don't recall saying that I needed space, and how is not asking for sex two nights in a row action oriented?"
HIM: "We have sex. You don't do it again the next night, and it'll be a week before we have it again. You only want sex once a week if that!!"
ME: "When have you asked me how many time I want sex in a week? When have I ever stated that I only want sex once a week."
HIM: "You say it through your actions!!"
ME: "No, YOU assume that is what my actions mean. What question have you asked me to either confirm or deny YOUR assumption? When have I ever stated that I only want sex once a week?"
HIM: "YOU control this relationship. YOU decide if and when we have sex!! I just have to accept it the way it is and that sucks!"
ME: "You know situation X that is going on at your work and how you've had to confront Mr. Soandso about it? That's actively changing something. Otherwise, it's like you saying... Mr. Soandso says it has to be this way, it's always been done that way, and I just have to accept it. A good leader doesn't do that. You do what needs to be done to change something that needs fixing.
"No, I do NOT control this relationship. You WANT me to control this relationship so you don't have to work at it.
HIM: "I have said things."
ME: "No, you take pot shots at me, like your remarks from last week. I do not recall a single instance when you have come to me and said that you are concerned about the state of our relationship and wanted to figure out a way that WE will work together to fix it. You tell me what you don't like through your shitty insults and you wait for me to fix it.
For months I have watched you watch our relationship spiral out of control. I want to know why that is okay with you?"
HIM: "Because our relationship sucks and that's just the way it is."
I think it would have hurt less if he had just slapped me across the face.
I suppose the only bright spot in this entire fiasco of a relationship is, after all the stupid mistakes I've made, all the MC we've been through, all the books I've read, all the things I've tried... I know in my heart I have left no stone unturned.
As I layed in bed in my rather stunned silence, I realized that I was also at peace, in a strange sort of way. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel defeated. If nothing else, I have exhonorated myself of responsibility for his half of the relationship.
