I agree with NOP, this IS a breach of trust. But your Hs motives for such a breach may or may not have anything to do with another woman. Has your H been on a boys night out lately? It could be that he is doing some little chest beating. It could be that he isn't confident of his powers of persuasion. Or doesn't have the patience to wait for you to come round to a place where you would give his preferences a try. In any case, you do have cause for concern. If you are proficient and enjoy giving OS, then this is something that you are going to miss out on as well as he is.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate them.
NOP:
So what should I do if I were to share your suspicions? Another thing that came up recently, but I didn't really pay attention to it...
We were out one night and the H got rather drunk. He hasn't been drunk like that for some time (we were at a going away party. I got to drive home because it's better that I get the DUI than him... )
A girlfriend of mine was there at this party. Once, a very long time ago, H and I swapped with she and her now ex-H. The event was never repeated (very, very long story).
After that event, my H started calling my girlfriend. She and her H confronted him about his behavior. H told me about it. (Another very, very long story). This was in the very darkest days of our R, mind you, and I had made my own blunders then as well (Definitely had an EA). I don't want to excuse my H's behavior, but I was no saint myself and do not want to leave that impression.
On the way home in the car, he brings up that long ago event and starts talking about how great it all could have been... when he gets drunk (and he doesn't get drunk often... once every few years?) he gets... aggressive and wraunchy. Everything about our LM is different... he talks trash... it's almost like I'm living in a porn movie.
I didn't think anything of it because he was drunk and I just passed it off to him being drunk. I get the 'awful feeling' in my gut when he gets that way, so I just did what I needed to do to soothe the savage beast, as it were. I mean, you know, he was drunk and not himself.
So you might want to throw that in there...
Why do you think another person might be in the picture, or at least in his head? He did apologize, and he did offer to talk about what happened the next day in a calm way...
I'm not saying you are right or wrong, nor am I trying to belie your suspicions... I just need to know your thought process, for I am trying to sort out my own.
In order to better see the situation, you have to first forget your guilt over your emotional affair, that is assuming that it is completey dead and over, and a substantial block of time has passed.
You can't allow your guilt over past issues to cloud your judgment.
The worst thing that can happen to a spouse that has had an emotional and physical connection with with an outside party, is renewed contact IN ANY FORM.
That contact alone will (and has) altered established boundaries in your relationship. In this case, in a substantial way.
If he was not already in contact with your girlfriend, he is likely to attempt renewed contact.
Loose your 'friend' now, and do so permanently. Make sure that you and your husband never see her or talk to her again. Your husband can not handle contact with her.
In the mean time, and just for a while until YOU feel assured that things are back to normal, snoop. Keep quiet about your suspicions, but definitely snoop.
Some people feel like snooping is an invasion of privacy, but a good relationship requires no secrets. MrsNOP has access to all my email, my desk, my wallet, my phone, whatever. Same for me. It isn't something that we planned, it is just that way because we have nothing to hide.
With the information you have provided, I am certain that a third party is in the equation, maybe just in his head, but there.
The real danger is in what will happen now.
I think that you two should have a very serious talk about the inherent dangers facing your relationship. You both MUST recognize that you simply can't be around this person or have any contact with them again. If she walks into a room, you leave. The same holds true of your emotional affair.
If I haven't been strong and clear enough, let me reiterate; LOSE THE GIRLFRIEND FOREVER!
I can expound on any point if needed.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I guess I agree with NOP, but what are you going to do if it isn't your girlfriend or any other real person? What are you going to do if your H is "cheating" on you with the female equivalent of Hank? Imaginary lovers don't die easy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
However, people ARE most definitely themselves when drunk. It's just a side of them that you don't normally see. If you say that when he's drunk his ML style becomes like a porn movie, the forced swallowing may be a function of that, i.e., "she said she didn't want it, but secretly all women do."
I'm definitely not excusing it, but I'm not sure I'd go as far as NOP. Hope he's wrong, but you must take his informed opinion into account. Rats.
Maybe I was not clear; this isn't something that happened like... months ago. All this happened in 1996. EA is long gone and over. No contact. Nothing. Nada. 1996 was a very dark, dark year in the Corri household. After all this, we spent... sheesh... YEARS in MC. I asked H for a divorce in Oct. 2002... found SSM in April 2003... things had been steadily improving since then.
Saw the girlfriend out... hmmm.... before New Year's... but this recent bout of his behavior seems to have followed that night out.
I think I'll have a long discussion with H before I start detective work.
Corri said: ------------ Saw the girlfriend out... hmmm.... before New Year's... but this recent bout of his behavior seems to have followed that night out. ------------
It really doesn't matter how old or long ago affairs happened. While time does reduce the impact, old 'lovers' are the most dangerous.
When you talk to hubby, don't tell him that you intend to snoop.
I think that you must snoop, though. If you don't and something comes up later after you have decided to trust blindly, you will be hurt much worse. We all have limitations, you must recognize his, as well as your own.
Please keep me posted if you can. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
And just for the record: I don't have guilt over the EA. I don't have guilt over his missteps. I don't have guilt over our stupid decisions prior to MC. I am long beyond that.
I don't know what I would do if I found out he was cheating. I'd have to wait until all the information was in.
What I do know: to me, something clearly is not right in Dodge. My H is ENORMOUSLY communications challenged. There is clearly a 'respect' issue in play. He is very stressed with his new position at work. He's emotionally shutting down. I cannot 'save' him. Regardless of what is going on, he has some decisions he has to make, or will have to make, and he can do none of those things until **I** set a boundary.
That's all I know right now. I am thinking upon the real issue here, not 'behaviors' of his I may have issue with...
I've got: lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of emotional connection and lack of intimacy. I've watched him for months now ignore all these signs, and put his work first, before me or the family.
I think my H is very conflicted. He is a family man at heart, but he is being 'hypnotized' by all that he thinks comes with this new job, ie., power, money, visibility, ego stroking. Could/would an affair fit into that hypnotism? Oh, most definitely. I cannot fathom him being that stupid or unethical, for if something like that would come to light, it would completely RUIN his life. I don't see him risking such a thing, but I will never say never.
That's what I see as I've been thinking about this.
I don't think enough can be said about the problems of imaginary lovers. When you have to resort to masturbation as often as us HD men have to, your thoughts can get pretty intense. When I masturbate now, I sure as heck don't think of the current version of my wife. I will either dream someone up, or I will remember back to the days when my wife HAD a sex drive. It is terribly ironic that my wife loses in these situations because she can not even compare to her old self. It's almost like the OW could be herself from 15 years ago! (I do not have an OW, and never have). Unfortunately my wife is being compared to her former self and she is losing! Is there a way to change this, I am not so sure, it is very hard to forget the way things USED to be.
Corri, At one time my business was almost too much for me to handel. I worked for several days and only got about half of what I repaired to work correctly or the customers wanted things "right now."
I came home and my W asked me do something so trivial and unimportant that tool a lot of time. I kind of lost it. I told her her penny-andy playthings would be important to someone who had nothing to do all day, but was working 12 hr days and not keeping my head above water.
Anyway, I think you mentioned he got a promotion at work or a more stressful job. Is your H's job overwhelming him? Does his job make him feel he deserves a certain amount of request following? Some managers I have worked for have implide I woulld like to do what they asked after I did the job one time. IE. (try swollowing one time, it might not be that bad mentality from your H). This is another common myth some men might have.
About you excusing him for being drunk. I do not cut much slack for a person being drunk. Some, yes, but not much.
When you cut people slack one time they want you to extend that slack when they are not drunk. Peolpe need to be responsible drunk or not, peroid, end of sentenance.
My views on swallowing, I never insist a person do something that causes anxiety or they are wery comfortable doing. I expect the same thing in return. If you make someone do something they do not want to do, do they lose respect for you? I do not want that to happen.
)
