karen1, Have I read DB? Heck I've read the following: You can be Happy no matter what Richard Carlson When Chicken Soup Isn't Enough Bradley Barris The 7 Habits of Highly effective People Stephen Covey Men are from Mars, Women from Venus John Gray You Just don't Understand Deborah Tanner Divorce Busting Michelle Weiner-Davis Winning Your Wife Back Gary Smalley When Love Dies, how to save a marriage Judy Bodmer Stop unwanted Divorce Nathan Claunch Living, Loving, and learning Leo Buscaglia The Pleasers K Leman When your Best is not good enough K Leman How one of you can bring two of you together S Page 7 Principles of making marriage work J Gotham Family First P McGraw
...and I'm still groping, go figure? But tell me, Valentine's is coming up and in all these readings I've learned not to shower your W with flowers. I did that at first but its been at least 6 moths since I've sent flowers. How about now for V day? Thanks
geneva, I get it! I'm such a dunce. That's the same approach I'd use in business when there's no emotion involved of course. Whilst I have your attention tell me. Valentine's day is coming and everything I read said don't send flowers. I did early in the D proceedings but haven't in 6 months. What about now? does it come across as loving or control? I think you and our other W's from this great community have expressed great insight so I'd appreciate you thought on flowers for Valentine's Day. Thanks
TAGIII, I would suggest a letter. I don't know if you've had the opportunity (given the short amount of time that you get to be home) to talk to her. When NOP and I work battling our way through our issues, writing help tremendously.
A letter is so much more personal than flowers or cards. Perhaps a listing of "you mean so much to me because"? or a listing of highlights of happy times in the 30+ years you've been together?
The first time you met. When you realized you were in love with her. The marriage proposal. The birth of your children. Special holidays or vacations. Hard times when she provided strength or solace to you.
Kind of a "remember when" collage geared toward expressing your love for her and tender memories of good times together.
Of course, weigh the suggestion with what you know about your wife. Some folks feel that flowers and cards are a necessity for holidays and to fail to provide them would be disappointing.
I know that when NOP and I discuss our almost 30 year history, we have milestones that we can look back on. The remembering of which draws us together emotionally & mentally because of those bonds that we've shared.
Me too on the reading. I've read all those and many, many more. I think Passionate Marriage is really the best.
As far as flowers...I think you should do as your own feelings dictate. If I did send flowers they wouldn't be roses. Something unusual would be better. The note I would send would have a friendly tone - as in, Happy Valentine's Day to the mother of my beautiful D. The closing should be "with love" - slightly less personal than love. I wouldn't write anything about reconciliation or anything of that nature. Others might disagree but I think that is how I would approach it.
TAG, that's exactly right. You must take your emotions out of it. I'll get back to you later with more. For now, about the flowers, I may be in the minority opinion here, but your W is not in a place to listen to you right now. She is not at a point where she is willing to work on the M yet. I would not send anything. I may send something to your D though. That would be nice. It's your call. I've decided not to send anything to my H from me, but I am going to have my S2 make him a card from him. It's all about whether or not your W and my H would see it as pursuing and I think they would.
Mrs NOP You know some time I wrote a letter such as the one you proposed. And go figure she went nuts. Seems she doesn't want to dwell on the good. That interferes with the mission of D.
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this TAG. Here are the revisions to those questions:
Quote: . Why after busting my butt to install over $100,000 worth of landscaping improvements do I get "people who do it theirself are vain?"
"W, I like doing the landscaping, but if you'd rather hire a contractor for other projects, we can talk about that."
Notice how I didn't 'bite' on the vain issue. You don't need to defend yourself on that level.
Quote: Why after putting my wedding ring back on on my own volition 2 years ago does W compain that I didn't put it back on 12 years ago? I originally took it off as a safety hazard.
"W, I'm sorry that I didn't realize how important was to you for me to wear my ring when I wasn't at work so long ago. I didn't do it to intentionally hurt you."
I answered like that because I felt like she is trying to tell you how hurt she still is by it. A simple apology and again, not defending yourself for why you didn't wear it.
Quote: Why does W rlive the alledged affair of 12 years ago and when I ask to air it out even with the C she refuses. She just uses it one-on-one with me.
"W, I'd like for us to move past this as I see it as a source of hurt in our M. I think it would be helpful if we allow our C to help us with it.'
Now, I understand that you've probably said this to some degree with her. The important thing is to keep saying it and not get into defending yourself. She is the one who has to be ready to let it go. Each time she brings it up, say the same thing, using a caring tone of voice and be compassionate.
Now, I'm not remembering, sorry, what is the situation with the alleged affair?
So, let me know if this helps. And have your visited your new thread?
geneva, Long? Hech, I'm so happy to get this! Thanks a million. Hey, I need some insite so would you be so kind as to flip over to Running on empty II? Thanks TAGIII
NOPKins, OK I've finished a "Road Less Traveled" and "People of the Lie" so I've ordered "Love must be tough" If you can find the time please jump over to my new post. Sex Starvation is the least of my problems I'd like your input Running on Empty II
