TAG, It seems to me that your wife wants you to validate her. She is holding on to these past hurts as a way to protect herself from future hurts. When she opens up to you, I suspect she is wanting some validation to "test" and see if you are a new person. If you go on the attack (which is normal, we all do that) she can then tell herself, See! I knew he hadn't changed! What if you validated that you hurt her and then show her that you are different now, instead of pointing out how her own behavior mimics yours from years ago?
It sounds like she knows she is not treating you well, but the layers of resentment are SO strong and SO deep that she can't seem to find her way out. I was not able to let go of all of the resentment I had built up until he started meeting my needs as well as validated that I was right to have felt bad, in the first place. Then it was as if a veil had been lifted and I could really SEE him again. Up until then, I was too pissed to see his changes.
Food for thought and I hope you don't belittle her law firm job to her--she knows it won't support her lifestyle, I doubt she's unintelligent, right!
