Quote: Now, tell me MrsNOP. It seems a wee bit rare that both a H & W would post on this site. From what I read, those who try to save a M are here and those trying to wreck it are not. But, that's not the case for you and NOPKins. Please explain.
NOP arrived here a long time ago. Neither of us were attempting to purposefully wreck our marriage. Maybe some of us just have a natural talent for it?
We've been married almost 30 years. Somewhere over the decades enough hurts and resentments grew into emotional distances that our sexual relationship tanked. NOP was looking for answers to that persistant question. He had been trying to work it out himself for a while. It was damn near impossible for me to hear about his needs when my own stretched out like a endless black hole before me. We argued, cried, yelled, and then rinsed and repeated. We saw Michelle on a televised interview. NOP bought the book and logged into the site. That's where the Monkey threads came in. At some point NOP started telling me about some of the folks/issues on the board. One day after an unpleasant interaction, I decided to see if I could find the board and track down his participation. I spent an afternoon holed up in my office reading a year's worth or more of difficult messages. Quite unpleasant, it was. After a strained evening, the next day I told him that I read his posts.
We would take 2 steps forward and one step back and the occasional spectacular head-over-heels tumble down several flights. At times it seemed that there would never be a place of peace or resolution.
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One of the challenges I face is not changing, that's the easy part. Rather, since the W seemingly is cacooned in her perception of the past (not my analysis but C's analysis) I'm not making any headway in R other than say a moratorium on discussing the D and the D is on open extension. Phone calls are not returned (maybe one every two weeks) and maybe one in three emails (one a week) with most of the questions not answered.Will this dog hunt? TAGIII
TAG, have you discussed this in depth with your adult children? Perhaps they've talked with mom and could give you some insight into what's going on. I sincerely doubt the likelyhood of healing a relationship at such a long distance and in 5 days a month. I have a hard time swallowing the idea that you get to be cut off totally from your rapidly growing up daughter, while providing them with such a high-level of domestic support while you never get to enjoy it and live in a hovel thousands of miles away.
Dads are more than dollars. You deserve to participate in your family as more than a paycheck. My unprofessional input (worth every dollar you pay for it!) is to get your hinder home. If that means giving up the cushy high-paying job. Okay. If that means selling the mansion and splitting the proceeds. Okay. If that means that mom and daughter have to give up sunny California, so that dad can be a more significant part of his daughter's life AND attempt to work on his marriage. Okay.
I've read of sudden switches and the seeming rewrite of the marital history. Almost always there's an emotional entanglement with someone else. And a strong resistance toward working on the marriage coincides. Emotional affairs are much harder to prove than physical affairs. But they can and do cause a major disruption in the marital relationship.
I just have a real hard problem with husbands/dads being relegated to being a contributor of financial support and little else. If you have willingly chosen this to be the main extent of your participation in your family, then you may want to re-examine that. If you feel you are being forced into that position while acquiesing with some sort of martyrized idea of self-sacrifice, you might want to re-examine that as well.
How do you think you were controlling in your relationship?
