Uh, please excuse the intrusion on TAG's thread, but I was wondering if one of the NOP's might please drop me an email at corri@ftio.com I'd like to ask NOP some business related questions that have nothing to do with the purpose of this board...
If you don't really want to exchange emails, please just let me know. No offense taken.
MrsNOP, Yep, and the darn thing won't list among my favorites. I've done the same to others and they list. Maybe its an omen? Maybe I'm pushing on a wet noodle and this marriage is not to be saved. Wowas me I'm doomed! Now, tell me MrsNOP. It seems a wee bit rare that both a H & W would post on this site. From what I read, those who try to save a M are here and those trying to wreck it are not. But, that's not the case for you and NOPKins. Please explain. One of the challenges I face is not changing, that's the easy part. Rather, since the W seemingly is cacooned in her perception of the past (not my analysis but C's analysis) I'm not making any headway in R other than say a moratorium on discussing the D and the D is on open extension. Phone calls are not returned (maybe one every two weeks) and maybe one in three emails (one a week) with most of the questions not answered.Will this dog hunt? TAGIII
TAG - Re: favorites - click it once, it shows up. Click it again, it disappears. So once it shows up, never click that box again. It does work, really. I have dozens of threads in my favorites. Will add yours too
W/r/t communications w/W. I really think you are expecting too much. She has a backpack of anger she is carrying around (analogy someone else on this board gave me) and every once in a while she opens up to show you what is inside - but as of yet she is not taking anything out. Your emails and calls are probably just reinforcing some past slight. You need to back off a bit. Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed. If you are seeing an MC, you are doing a lot better than many of us whose W's won't even consider it. Focus your attention on learning as much as you can there, and on improving yourself. I don't see a lot in your thread as to goals about yourself on how you want to change. Is there nothing you see in your own actions that contributed to the sitch you are in that you think you need to work on?
Quote: Now, tell me MrsNOP. It seems a wee bit rare that both a H & W would post on this site. From what I read, those who try to save a M are here and those trying to wreck it are not. But, that's not the case for you and NOPKins. Please explain.
NOP arrived here a long time ago. Neither of us were attempting to purposefully wreck our marriage. Maybe some of us just have a natural talent for it?
We've been married almost 30 years. Somewhere over the decades enough hurts and resentments grew into emotional distances that our sexual relationship tanked. NOP was looking for answers to that persistant question. He had been trying to work it out himself for a while. It was damn near impossible for me to hear about his needs when my own stretched out like a endless black hole before me. We argued, cried, yelled, and then rinsed and repeated. We saw Michelle on a televised interview. NOP bought the book and logged into the site. That's where the Monkey threads came in. At some point NOP started telling me about some of the folks/issues on the board. One day after an unpleasant interaction, I decided to see if I could find the board and track down his participation. I spent an afternoon holed up in my office reading a year's worth or more of difficult messages. Quite unpleasant, it was. After a strained evening, the next day I told him that I read his posts.
We would take 2 steps forward and one step back and the occasional spectacular head-over-heels tumble down several flights. At times it seemed that there would never be a place of peace or resolution.
Quote:
One of the challenges I face is not changing, that's the easy part. Rather, since the W seemingly is cacooned in her perception of the past (not my analysis but C's analysis) I'm not making any headway in R other than say a moratorium on discussing the D and the D is on open extension. Phone calls are not returned (maybe one every two weeks) and maybe one in three emails (one a week) with most of the questions not answered.Will this dog hunt? TAGIII
TAG, have you discussed this in depth with your adult children? Perhaps they've talked with mom and could give you some insight into what's going on. I sincerely doubt the likelyhood of healing a relationship at such a long distance and in 5 days a month. I have a hard time swallowing the idea that you get to be cut off totally from your rapidly growing up daughter, while providing them with such a high-level of domestic support while you never get to enjoy it and live in a hovel thousands of miles away.
Dads are more than dollars. You deserve to participate in your family as more than a paycheck. My unprofessional input (worth every dollar you pay for it!) is to get your hinder home. If that means giving up the cushy high-paying job. Okay. If that means selling the mansion and splitting the proceeds. Okay. If that means that mom and daughter have to give up sunny California, so that dad can be a more significant part of his daughter's life AND attempt to work on his marriage. Okay.
I've read of sudden switches and the seeming rewrite of the marital history. Almost always there's an emotional entanglement with someone else. And a strong resistance toward working on the marriage coincides. Emotional affairs are much harder to prove than physical affairs. But they can and do cause a major disruption in the marital relationship.
I just have a real hard problem with husbands/dads being relegated to being a contributor of financial support and little else. If you have willingly chosen this to be the main extent of your participation in your family, then you may want to re-examine that. If you feel you are being forced into that position while acquiesing with some sort of martyrized idea of self-sacrifice, you might want to re-examine that as well.
How do you think you were controlling in your relationship?
MrsNOP, First I'd like to convert this string to my own with a new name cause the dag garn thing won't show in favorites. Next, the controlling description came out of W's counselor who I've never met. Examples whould be W wants do do something but is afraid I won't. Or W went through some effort, i.e. bake a pie, mow the grass and I didn't appreciate it. But then from my prism; she picked the houses we've lived in. The color of cars, she even picks my clothes! Whilst away I used to give her "to do" lists and the following up made her feel controlled. To me they were basic blocking and tackling things that need doing while I'm gone. I've stopped asking now and spend my time home doing everything like today. Help?
Oh Yeah, the other questions Emotional - our D15. She lives her life viacariously through her. Older Children- "e're not getting inbetween. I love you dad but I have to respect mom's wishes." Another one is "Mom doesn't have the same feelings for you she once had." Any of this make sense?
