-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPKins, You are obviously the master navigator of this website. Thanks. Here's a copy of my previous posts and a 7Jan05 update. That's the only way I can equal the length of what I read from others: 1st - My wife had spinal cord surgery in May. After 33 years of marriage (both 56) three children (the oldest 2 in solid loving marriages) the youngest 14 she told me in the hospital "Honey, I don't know what I'd do without you" then filed for divorce two months later. She's suffered from hormone imbalance but says none of this has anything to do with her wanting a divorce. She sees a counselor by herself and another counselor with me but declares,” this is not marriage counseling, I just want this counselor to hear the rotten things you've done over the years." It's true I've been controlling and temperamental. I've read DB along with 10 other books (now a total of 15), have given up on arguing my side, rationalizing the costs of this divorce and now just make weekly "nice calls." (I don't anymore; she thinks I'm trying to control her) She's living in the M$ house and I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment 2000 miles away (The only job I could get to maintain her and the 14 year old in the house). We've been to five (now 7) counseling sessions. The counselor says things are improving and the most recent sessions don't contain the "I'm selling the house" or "I want a divorce" or even "what a no good louse I am." But, she's more distant. No more kisses. No more hugs. No emails, No phone calls. I do continue to hear the same complaints of how I'm a lousy guy. I'm not sleeping yet I continue work; exercise, read, and I visit home every two weeks. I've been practicing DB for about a month (now 3) and I like the approach but I don't see results. Any suggestions? 2nd - My W served papers August 20th after 33 years of marriage and shortly after spinal cord surgery. I'm working in the Midwest staying in a one bedroom apartment while she lives in the $ million house in California. Amazingly, she remembers so much negative from the past; a USC Notre Dame game of 1972 where I got mad at a USC running back but forgets all romantic moments. I've read this is typical. I went to counseling on my own and she did too. After much complaining she agreed to joint counseling and we have for three months (now 5) but mostly they've been sessions chronicling all my past sins or diatribes of how her life was happy before me. The last one in December at least had no discussion of divorce or selling the house. I remember a different story about constant criticism and felling like a second-class citizen. She now praises a family upbringing she once detested. I've read both the DB and DR along with 12 other books. I'm practicing what I've read with many mistakes. I find the process rewarding in terms of how much I've learned, taken control of myself, and how well I handle the attacks. However, it's been three months (now 6) and I see no progress. She still attacks, and I'm running out of gas. Where do you find the patience? I get the part about not being able to get anyone to do anything. Quite frankly, I don't want my W to "do anything." It just puzzles me how anyone can harbor resentment and hate for that long, cover it up, and then reject any R efforts. I sense she likes being the victim "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." She's got her family convinced and some of our children. I look for little steps but here's what I see: she grants an extension on the divorce, but no more phone calls, continuous attacks like "you thought your previous girlfriend was more beautiful than me" WRONG! I've always thought my wife was and is beautiful. She never did and still doesn't. And we've been married for 33 years! How does something like this fester for 35 years? I don't get kisses anymore. She just emotes about the past, same stuff over and over. I confess to past bad behaviors but I defend my feelings. An example is how I think she is so beautiful. Please give me some examples of small steps. 3rd - I'm just not sure at this stage where one wants to salvage the marriage and one wants it to end if you can have a common goal of: happy marriage. The one who wants an end has a lot of healing to undergo will and fight to defend their position of divorce. They aren't reading about R or visiting this site. My question becomes on of how long does "one" try when salvaging a marriage is seen as "caving" to the other? These are past posts and here's a 7Jan05 update. We all went to our son's for Christmas; oldest daughter and her family, son and his and our 15 year old who still lives with us. As an added bonus my wife stacked the deck and also had her parents, her sister and family. She forecasted a confrontation at our last counseling session but nothing of the sort happened. She was Polly Anna all the way. I offered a movie and dinner for the two of us but no takers. I let it pass. We're only together 5 days/month because I work in Illinois and she is in the home in Los Angeles. As I mentioned it's been 6 months. I know this takes long but how long do I play this hand before I know we reconcile or divorce and how does anyone handle 6 moths of celebacy? Hope this helps. TAGIII
Let me start by asking a few obvious questions, then we will go from there.
Is your wife having an affair? Why are you certain she is or isn't? Have you had an affair in the past?
Why are you living 2,000 miles apart?
That will do for a start :-)
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPKins, Q1 - No, but I'm surprised by how many people ask that question. Q2- She became a WAW after the surgery. I guess all the baggage came out then. We have a 14 year old at home, she/we are pretty religious, and she's packing on weight like there's no tomorrow. Q3 - No, although I did take a dispondent sect'y out to dinner about 12 years ago and was accussed of an A. Q4- It's in the post. We lived in LA. We bought our dream home on the ocean and I put in over $100,000 in approvements. I lost my job and the only good one I found was a return to my old company. My W has never been so happy as out there. Church counsel, ballet, she dotes over our 15 year old who is thriving out West. I was willing for them to stay and enjoy our situation and was willing to sacrifice my life for theirs..The idea was W & D15 stay in LA finish school and we move to a European assignment when D15 goes to college. Now not neccessarily back to Q1 & Q2 but she did take a job as a legal secty. She's never done it before and has really excelled to the point that she may feel more appreciated at work than at home. They work her hard. I've heard that when you are in an emotional pickle like surgery, hormones, and "victim" and it all surfaces at once the victim attacks those closest not the 9 to 5 emotionally detached. That's about it, Thanks, TAGIII
Do you realize that your desire for your wife is going to burn out really quickly given your present situation?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPKins Q1 5'3" 150? Q2 D32 good, S31 good, D15 strained Q3 Job, or they can move here or to Europe with me. D32 is in Michigan, S31 will be in Nebraska. Both 6 hour drives. Q4 It's been 2 years, up until the D filing I've been fine. I was excited to go home and the sacrifice of living away was something I gladly did. After all the C and reading I agree that the "desire for my wife is going burning out." D15 is a real heartbreak as she is caught in middle and home with W. Other C have their own families and take a "we're not getting involved" position although D32 talks with W daily. It's kind of a role reversal. Thanks. I'm in the office tommorow morning and off to the middle east tomorrow PM. Back around the 25th. P.S. I "add this thread to my favorites but it doesn't show up why? Ciao, TAGIII
I have studied your comments, and I have some things I would like to discuss with you.
Since you are headed out and will be doing some serious seat time, I want to recommend that you read another book during your trip.
The book is titled "Love Must Be tough" by Dr. James Dobson
If you have already read it, then take it with you and read it again. If not, then make time to get the book before you leave if possible.
After you have read the book, I will continue with my thoughts about your situation.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well, I got to give you credit, 15 books and I've not read that one! I'm out of here today so unless it's in JFK reading it will wait until I return. I'm reading "The Road less Traveled" by M Scott Peck. Bye-the-bye, I check the box " Add this thread to my favorites." Yet it still doesn't show up. Any ideas? Remember, I'm new to this. Finally, what are you doing up at such an unGodly hour? Back to last post re weight gain. That's 150 from 125 in a year. Hasta la Vista, TAGIII
It's "O dark thirty" here in Dubai and the thought hit me "why not solicit some female opinions to start the day?" I'm trying to read the tea leaves and understand where we are in this marriage? From the string you all can see divorce in "extended" yet to me there is an eerie silence whilst I'm here on the other side of the planet. I send nice emails always asking a question to solicit a response. Example include a message how nice the weather is here and how are things back home? No response. Jewelry here is a steal and I asked if I might get something for our 15 year old (I've already bought my W a huge diamond last May) but no response. I called home yesterday around 7:30 PM California time and no answer (not unusual since caller ID shows "outside the area for a hotel card.") but no email acknowledging the call. We were to attend Marriage C upon my return but while we were together Christmaas she told me we couldn't make a 6 PM C session because our 15 year old was attending her High School formal that night at 8 PM. I sometimes think my W's whole life is our 15 year old. I can't reconcile my offer to buy jewelry so she can wear it at the formal. Now, our 15 year old is impossible to buy for, except for maybe the Ipod I bought Christmas. Nopkins- couldn't find the book at JFK so before I place my upteenth Amazon order any others you or anyone else out there might recommend? So, what do you all think? Is there a message in the silence? Should I just stay the course with "nice emails" and a few calls to leave a voicemail message? Or should I begin planning for the D coming off hold? Thanks in advance for your thoughts TAGIII
