NOPKins, You are obviously the master navigator of this website. Thanks. Here's a copy of my previous posts and a 7Jan05 update. That's the only way I can equal the length of what I read from others: 1st - My wife had spinal cord surgery in May. After 33 years of marriage (both 56) three children (the oldest 2 in solid loving marriages) the youngest 14 she told me in the hospital "Honey, I don't know what I'd do without you" then filed for divorce two months later. She's suffered from hormone imbalance but says none of this has anything to do with her wanting a divorce. She sees a counselor by herself and another counselor with me but declares,” this is not marriage counseling, I just want this counselor to hear the rotten things you've done over the years." It's true I've been controlling and temperamental. I've read DB along with 10 other books (now a total of 15), have given up on arguing my side, rationalizing the costs of this divorce and now just make weekly "nice calls." (I don't anymore; she thinks I'm trying to control her) She's living in the M$ house and I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment 2000 miles away (The only job I could get to maintain her and the 14 year old in the house). We've been to five (now 7) counseling sessions. The counselor says things are improving and the most recent sessions don't contain the "I'm selling the house" or "I want a divorce" or even "what a no good louse I am." But, she's more distant. No more kisses. No more hugs. No emails, No phone calls. I do continue to hear the same complaints of how I'm a lousy guy. I'm not sleeping yet I continue work; exercise, read, and I visit home every two weeks. I've been practicing DB for about a month (now 3) and I like the approach but I don't see results. Any suggestions? 2nd - My W served papers August 20th after 33 years of marriage and shortly after spinal cord surgery. I'm working in the Midwest staying in a one bedroom apartment while she lives in the $ million house in California. Amazingly, she remembers so much negative from the past; a USC Notre Dame game of 1972 where I got mad at a USC running back but forgets all romantic moments. I've read this is typical. I went to counseling on my own and she did too. After much complaining she agreed to joint counseling and we have for three months (now 5) but mostly they've been sessions chronicling all my past sins or diatribes of how her life was happy before me. The last one in December at least had no discussion of divorce or selling the house. I remember a different story about constant criticism and felling like a second-class citizen. She now praises a family upbringing she once detested. I've read both the DB and DR along with 12 other books. I'm practicing what I've read with many mistakes. I find the process rewarding in terms of how much I've learned, taken control of myself, and how well I handle the attacks. However, it's been three months (now 6) and I see no progress. She still attacks, and I'm running out of gas. Where do you find the patience? I get the part about not being able to get anyone to do anything. Quite frankly, I don't want my W to "do anything." It just puzzles me how anyone can harbor resentment and hate for that long, cover it up, and then reject any R efforts. I sense she likes being the victim "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." She's got her family convinced and some of our children. I look for little steps but here's what I see: she grants an extension on the divorce, but no more phone calls, continuous attacks like "you thought your previous girlfriend was more beautiful than me" WRONG! I've always thought my wife was and is beautiful. She never did and still doesn't. And we've been married for 33 years! How does something like this fester for 35 years? I don't get kisses anymore. She just emotes about the past, same stuff over and over. I confess to past bad behaviors but I defend my feelings. An example is how I think she is so beautiful. Please give me some examples of small steps. 3rd - I'm just not sure at this stage where one wants to salvage the marriage and one wants it to end if you can have a common goal of: happy marriage. The one who wants an end has a lot of healing to undergo will and fight to defend their position of divorce. They aren't reading about R or visiting this site. My question becomes on of how long does "one" try when salvaging a marriage is seen as "caving" to the other? These are past posts and here's a 7Jan05 update. We all went to our son's for Christmas; oldest daughter and her family, son and his and our 15 year old who still lives with us. As an added bonus my wife stacked the deck and also had her parents, her sister and family. She forecasted a confrontation at our last counseling session but nothing of the sort happened. She was Polly Anna all the way. I offered a movie and dinner for the two of us but no takers. I let it pass. We're only together 5 days/month because I work in Illinois and she is in the home in Los Angeles. As I mentioned it's been 6 months. I know this takes long but how long do I play this hand before I know we reconcile or divorce and how does anyone handle 6 moths of celebacy? Hope this helps. TAGIII
