LB wrote: ------------- NOP, are you able to express the changes you made in your interactions with MrsNOP that caused her to reevaluate where she existed on your “importance scale?” I believe from your posts that in your mind she was always important to you, as my W is to me. In and of itself, however, that did not prevent both of our W’s from feeling that they were not being treated in a way that reflected their importance. I also know that your career is demanding and I don’t believe that changed much. Did you give up your other hobbies? -------------
Hi, Bill.
It is very common for a man to focus on providing for a family, almost to the exclusion of said family. I am as guilty of that as anyone else.
What I really did wrong was to ignore doing the things that were important to HER. I thought I was doing well by concentrating on all the things that *I thought* a husband should concentrate on, while ignoring her simple requests as unimportant.
I was not being malicious, just dumb. From that seed grew a tree of resentment in my wife. Mutual resentment grew from neither one of us meeting each others basic needs.
I really didn't have to give up anything, what I did have to do was to make sure that my interests included my wife's needs. Sounds simple, huh?
Now, let me change the subject over to your relationship. Right up front, I have to tell you that I will be happy to answer your queries as best I can, and offer whatever help I can, but (there is always a but), the ongoing affair on your wife's part in your relationship is of great concern.
So, let me say this right up front so that there is no misunderstanding. My personal belief is that it is nearly impossible to fix a relationship that involves an outside intimate party. I know that this opinion regarding infidelity is not shared among many of the counselors on this website.
Having said that, and having read much of what you have written here, I have to tell you that I think your very first move is to address your wife's affair, straight up and honestly. If you don't have enough proof after all this time, consider hiring a private investigator. When you have absolute proof, then confront your wife.
I know you have done an incredible job of recognizing and correcting your contribution to the state of your marriage, but you must realize that your wife's choice to involve a third person in your marriage was hers and hers alone. It is not your fault that she made a bad choice as opposed to either working on the issues with you or ending the relationship via divorce.
Regardless of all that, I think that it is imperative that your ex-friend and now adulterer, be removed completely from your relationship with your wife.
You must also consider returning to cohabitation with your wife. It is very difficult for a relationship to grow long distance. I think that demonstration is a great tool for effecting repair in a relationship, but in order for demonstration to be effective after a point, confrontation must be included. It is hard to confront from a distance.
For your own mental and physical health, you must also place a time limit on your willingness to try and resolve the relational issues. At some point, you will find your thoughts move toward disgust with your wife, because of her actions.
These are just my opinions, and I am not a trained counselor.
Since all that is out of the way, we can talk :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
