Dang, Corri. How'd a peach like you end up with such a turd? Dick ache? Give me a break. If I tried something like that, I'd probably end up with a dick ache...but not the good kind. Of course, I married a ball buster.
Quote: ---------- The only way out is for me to grab the wheel and pick up the R-Badge. At least, that's what it seems. Something's missing... and that is what I am pondering ----------
I wonder if the two of you spending time together is missing.
Whenever MrsNOP and I are even partially separated by life stresses and other outside demands for an extended period, distance begins to grow between us.
I do my level best to make sure that she cumulatively gets at least a couple of hours of my attention everyday. We are very busy people, but I consider that minimal level of daily interaction mandatory.
So how much time are you spending together?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes, he's being very rude, but overall, he's a great man. I want to be very careful not to run the man into the ground here, for I think that is way counter productive.
What I want to know is, why does he think it's okay to say such rude and insenstive things to me? How in God's name could any intelligent human being think that is a productive way to solve a problem?
Quote: So how much time are you spending together?
You mean, as in just he and I? Together? Alone? Uhhh... about 1/2 hour a week?
NOP, I can tell you exactly what I think the problem is, and I can tell you exactly how I'd go about fixing it. I could make a list. I'd start on it tomorrow. I have that option right now.
I also know that both of you have to agree on basic relationship maintenance, even if that means picking up the badge long enough to hit him upside the head with it.
A crumbling foundation concerns the whole building, not just one corner.
How's that?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Corri, I just had to jump in here and say that I think his approach is rude, also. I would not be turned on by such a request because his intent is not to turn you on or even ask nicely for something.
However, I'd have to agree with NOP and say that it's time for some building maintenance.
Look at it this way: To an HD person, saying "our sex life sucks" IS an attempt to stop the R from spiraling. No it is not packaged the way you prefer it, nor did he knock himself out to say it in a kind way but it is definitely an attempt at doing something about the R. In other words, he is feeling what you are feeling too (disconnected, unhappy, agitated) but he goes towards sex and physical touching as a repair and you go for quality time. I don't think his intent is bad but his approach could use some MAJOR tweaking. My gosh, did he go to the Beavis and Butthead School of Relationship Solving?
I would take his griping as a sign that he recognizes that the R is backsliding. As far as what to do about it...boy, that's a toughie. With him working so many hours and the boys' activities it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for Corri and Beavis to just chill out and enjoy each other, let alone factor in time for sex.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that he IS noticing the spiral and wants just as bad as you to reverse it.
Quote: What I want to know is, why does he think it's okay to say such rude and insenstive things to me? How in God's name could any intelligent human being think that is a productive way to solve a problem?
Clearly he doesn't think this is a productive way to solve a problem. He must be intelligent or you couldn't be married to him. It sounds very passive-aggressive to me. The question is, if something is bothering him, a) what is it, and b) why can't he come out and tell you in a kind, grown-up way?
Can you trace back to an event or encounter that seemed to precipitate this crappy attitude?
Corri: Thank you for pointing me toward NOPkins “A Return To Passion” posts. I actually began lurking in this forum a couple of months before that thread was started and remembered it once you got me there. When I have an evening to kill, I’ll grab a beer and search some of the individual posts from before that thread.
NOP: Thank you for taking the time to review my thread and to inquire as to my current situation.
W and I have not yet reconciled in the sense of everyone living under the same roof. W and I continue in MC and we are doing “sleepovers” (non sexual) a couple of nights a week at the suggestion of the MC to gradually reintroduce ourselves to living together and in an attempt to identify and nip any old habits in the bud. We also are engaging in family events (i.e, family movie night) several other days per week.
The thing that really caused your situation to resonate with me was the comparison of the frustrations you were expressing with some of the posts made by MrsNop once she began posting here.
For example, on one of Corri’s threads, she said: “Speaking for myself, I didn’t have a list of household duties for NOP to perform. What I did have was the desire to be important to him. As time passed and I felt that I came somewhere down the list after career & hobbies, I emotionally withdrew and placed him low on my list of important things.”
Those words could have come straight out of my W’s mouth.
NOP, are you able to express the changes you made in your interactions with MrsNOP that caused her to reevaluate where she existed on your “importance scale?” I believe from your posts that in your mind she was always important to you, as my W is to me. In and of itself, however, that did not prevent both of our W’s from feeling that they were not being treated in a way that reflected their importance. I also know that your career is demanding and I don’t believe that changed much. Did you give up your other hobbies?
I would appreciate any insight you are willing to share on that topic.
Corri wrote {{ when I do go to bed, he'll say to me in the dark, "how about a blow job?" No touches, no kisses, no hugs}}
As you might know my W says some crude things to me about my motivation for doing some of the things I do, but nothing like that.
The first thing that came to my mind was how bad that hurt your feelings and why aren't there better boundaries between you two. I also thought that you should have said something like "Hay, how many girls did you pick up with that line while in Jr high?" "Most girls I know like a little kissing and romance before they get down and dirty" "Better luck next time." Tell your H you do not go fron 0 to 60 without a lot of warming up first.
{{The only way out is for me to grab the wheel and pick up the R-Badge. At least, that's what it seems. Something's missing... and that is what I am pondering}}
Sounds like where I am. I am setting limits on what I will take from my W and letting her feel good or bad. That is up to her how she feels about my limits.
Thanks for the help you gave me in one of your previous posts. I have used it a couple of times and even got lucky once since then.
Your H definately showed some bad manners here. The question is - did he intend to? The intent is what makes it passive-agressive or not. Maybe he thought it was humorous. My ex-H used to say this kind of stuff in a humorous way as an attempt to really say "please love me even when I say juvenile bs".
I like Lous response. Another choice might be to expose the disconnected nature of a "bid" like that. You might say "Would you like fries with that?"
I think that there must be some action you can take or a sentance or two that could put things back on track without you having to take up the R guantlet. Sometimes if you just expose someone's crappiness it is enough to move things.
