Being "in love".

[MJontheMend]

I think my weightloss caused a temporary increase in his sex drive because for a while he could "use" me like porn. In order to get aroused he would pose me in different positions so that he could see what my new thin body looked like in that position. Our increased communication about sexual matters also had a sort of temporary "porn" effect on him. He told me a few rather raunchy secret fantasies and was delighted when I acted upon them (sort of like Penthouse Forum come to life) but once you do something raunchy a few times it sort of loses its kick. It makes me think of an Updike? story I read in which one spouse is thinking something like "When you find yourselves f*cking each other with vegetables, you know the relationship is over.". You need to have the ability to convert love into sexual desire in order to maintain a long term sexual relationship. Sometimes there isn't enough love to convert. Sometimes the love is blocked by anger or disappointment. Sometimes one or both partners simply aren't capable of that kind of conversion. The sad thing is that recently my H told me even the porn isn't working for him anymore.

I know I wrote about the occasion when I tried desperately to sort of share my love/sex feelings with him. I was horny and naked and I just tried to feel all the love I had for him in my heart and I approached him and looked him right in the eyes. He looked back at me with love, but not one speck of desire. This is the kind of interaction that makes me feel hysterical because instead of my love and passion flowing out into him, whatever horrible passive feeling he is having flows into me. I can't bear it. It makes me feel like I'm not alive. My H frequently describes himself as feeling "numb". This is how I feel when I approach him with my soul/body bared and he can't respond. I feel his numbness. I feel like a rubber doll, not a human woman. I guess my hysterical weeping following this feeling of numbness is just my psyche desperately reacting, trying to feel.

If I can't approach my H in this way, I don't know how our marriage can survive. If I continue to approach him in this way and have to deal with the "numbness", our marriage won't survive because something in me can't bear to be rejected when I feel like I'm making myself completely vulnerable and offering all that I have to give. I'm pretty tough but I don't think anyone should have to be that tough.

I posted the above on HP's thread. I will continue with my thoughts on the matter here.

My H's reaction to my heart-bared approach for passion is not dissimilar to his reaction to my request for affection and support when my father died. He was unable to give me a hug when I most needed a hug. He is unable to provide me with passion when I most need passion. His reaction to any sign of needyness from me is to shut down emotionally and become numb. He would prefer to live his life like a character from Seinfeld. He is only comfortable with our relationship when I "keep it light". The problem is that "keeping it light" over the long run kills the passion in a relationship. Also, there are times in life when it is impossible to "keep it light". You have to learn how to deal with stronger emotions even if they make you uncomfortable.

The fact that my H is trying to deal with the possibility of me leaving over the sex issue by "keeping it light" and joking about things like how my "dumb f*ck boyfriend" might beat him up if he ever tried to visit after our breakup is not a good sign.

When I try to talk to him about his "numb" emotional reactions, he just gets a bit upset and says "I know. I'm diseased. It takes all my energy just to make myself comfortable in life and I don't have anything left to give.". I could cope with a H who was telling me that he was giving more than his fair share or that I wasn't giving enough, but how do I cope with a H who is telling me that he feels incapable of giving what he knows he should be giving to our relationship? He say things to me like "You just want a normal human interaction. I'm sorry I can't provide that for you.". I might think "Sure you can. You just don't want to." but that isn't exactly true. I might think "Sure you can. You are just afraid to." and that is more true but where does that leave me? If he is more afraid of dealing with passionate emotions than he is afraid of living alone and knowing that I might form new relationships, what can I do?