Under the table at the restaurant or in the elevator on the way up to the room? The high heels could come in handy in either scenario. "Suit-Dad" and "Elevator Stranger" are rather similar in appearance, but "Elevator Stranger" has to be strong enough to support JJ's weight against the elevator wall.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I think my weightloss caused a temporary increase in his sex drive because for a while he could "use" me like porn. In order to get aroused he would pose me in different positions so that he could see what my new thin body looked like in that position. Our increased communication about sexual matters also had a sort of temporary "porn" effect on him. He told me a few rather raunchy secret fantasies and was delighted when I acted upon them (sort of like Penthouse Forum come to life) but once you do something raunchy a few times it sort of loses its kick. It makes me think of an Updike? story I read in which one spouse is thinking something like "When you find yourselves f*cking each other with vegetables, you know the relationship is over.". You need to have the ability to convert love into sexual desire in order to maintain a long term sexual relationship. Sometimes there isn't enough love to convert. Sometimes the love is blocked by anger or disappointment. Sometimes one or both partners simply aren't capable of that kind of conversion. The sad thing is that recently my H told me even the porn isn't working for him anymore.
I know I wrote about the occasion when I tried desperately to sort of share my love/sex feelings with him. I was horny and naked and I just tried to feel all the love I had for him in my heart and I approached him and looked him right in the eyes. He looked back at me with love, but not one speck of desire. This is the kind of interaction that makes me feel hysterical because instead of my love and passion flowing out into him, whatever horrible passive feeling he is having flows into me. I can't bear it. It makes me feel like I'm not alive. My H frequently describes himself as feeling "numb". This is how I feel when I approach him with my soul/body bared and he can't respond. I feel his numbness. I feel like a rubber doll, not a human woman. I guess my hysterical weeping following this feeling of numbness is just my psyche desperately reacting, trying to feel.
If I can't approach my H in this way, I don't know how our marriage can survive. If I continue to approach him in this way and have to deal with the "numbness", our marriage won't survive because something in me can't bear to be rejected when I feel like I'm making myself completely vulnerable and offering all that I have to give. I'm pretty tough but I don't think anyone should have to be that tough.
I posted the above on HP's thread. I will continue with my thoughts on the matter here.
My H's reaction to my heart-bared approach for passion is not dissimilar to his reaction to my request for affection and support when my father died. He was unable to give me a hug when I most needed a hug. He is unable to provide me with passion when I most need passion. His reaction to any sign of needyness from me is to shut down emotionally and become numb. He would prefer to live his life like a character from Seinfeld. He is only comfortable with our relationship when I "keep it light". The problem is that "keeping it light" over the long run kills the passion in a relationship. Also, there are times in life when it is impossible to "keep it light". You have to learn how to deal with stronger emotions even if they make you uncomfortable.
The fact that my H is trying to deal with the possibility of me leaving over the sex issue by "keeping it light" and joking about things like how my "dumb f*ck boyfriend" might beat him up if he ever tried to visit after our breakup is not a good sign.
When I try to talk to him about his "numb" emotional reactions, he just gets a bit upset and says "I know. I'm diseased. It takes all my energy just to make myself comfortable in life and I don't have anything left to give.". I could cope with a H who was telling me that he was giving more than his fair share or that I wasn't giving enough, but how do I cope with a H who is telling me that he feels incapable of giving what he knows he should be giving to our relationship? He say things to me like "You just want a normal human interaction. I'm sorry I can't provide that for you.". I might think "Sure you can. You just don't want to." but that isn't exactly true. I might think "Sure you can. You are just afraid to." and that is more true but where does that leave me? If he is more afraid of dealing with passionate emotions than he is afraid of living alone and knowing that I might form new relationships, what can I do?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Jenny, I just saw this post and had already responded to you on my thread, so disregard that one.
See, I think he's spewing a bit of crap there. He obviously is NOT okay with you moving on or he wouldn't have run out in the rain at that hotel, earlier this summer. He DOES have it in him, he just chooses not to tap into those emotions for some reason. Depression, maybe. Maybe it is low T...from what I read it can make a man listless and indecisive. Maybe it is, as you said, a deep fear of intimacy. Maybe it is a feeling that he is "no good" at those types of feelings or interactions. Maybe it is that he is plain ol' Mr. Wilson who believes that those interactions are for wussies.
I don't know, Jenny. All I know is that you are a beautiful woman who does not deserve numbness--you deserve open arms and a hard appendage.
Quote: See, I think he's spewing a bit of crap there. He obviously is NOT okay with you moving on or he wouldn't have run out in the rain at that hotel, earlier this summer. He DOES have it in him, he just chooses not to tap into those emotions for some reason.
I agree. He chooses not to tap into those emotions, probably because they scare him. I think if I were to start packing my suitcase, he would feel those emotions and probably even want to make love to me, but I can't be constantly "packing my suitcase" in an attempt to inspire his passion. He has to figure out how to feel/appreciate my importance to him on a regular basis, not just when he senses he might lose me or when everything is going great and he has some mental/emotional energy to spare.
I've often thought that his tendency towards depression was responsible for his "numb" response, but I've done all that I can do in that regard by encouraging him to seek professional guidance and medication.
Quote: All I know is that you are a beautiful woman who does not deserve numbness--you deserve open arms and a hard appendage.
Right back at you.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thank you for saying that you cannot be constantly "packing your suitcase" to keep the R alive. I feel that way too. It seems that I can't get anywhere with heartfelt requests etc... The only way I make progress with H is when I either back off so far that he can hardly see me or when I make him afraid that I might be gone if things continue as they are. I think your H's comment about using all of his energy to feel "comfortable" is telling - that is all about anxiety. Does he have big anxiety in other areas? I am thinking about Generalized Anxiety Disorder here. Maybe he doesn't have this issue but it was a very interesting comment.
