This discussion is really helping me clarify some things in my own mind. Thank you all.
One thing about my bf that is golden... I can't remember if this came out for the first time when we were talking on our own, or at the C's, but he was talking about stuff that had happened to him when he was a kid. His mom beat him a lot, because he challenged her authority and, being an adolescent (emotionally) herself and something of a bully, she didn't know anything else to do besides hit him. He got through this, but not without damage to himself and his trust of women. (There's more, but you get the idea.)
So one day he said, "there's this little flame inside me that won't go out. People have tried to put it out, but I have protected myself, and it's still glowing." He said this in a very honest, straightforward way, and I felt I was seeing into the nucleus of the atom. When he said it, a big light bulb went on over my head, because that's exactly the way I see myself. (I'm sure many can identify with this analogy, but it was the two of us that day, sharing with each other, that made it special.) (And BTW JJ, there is no cure for thinking in analogies. I do it constantly, too, and consider it a gift.) I told him that I feel the closest to him, and feel that we're on track, when the line between our two little flames is open. I think keeping this channel open is what the NOP's have accomplished with their Just Do It Everyday program.
The Little Flame is not child-ISH-ness, i.e., initiating sex by tickling when your partner doesn't like it, or acting goofy, or refusing to refer to sex as anything but "fooling around," or for that matter, having a tug-o-war with your partner every day about dinner and who bought v. who’s going to cook it. The Little Flames fall into the child-LIKE joy and wonder zone, where you see and meet someone with pure, ingenuous clarity. During the day, when interacting with others at work and in the world, we wear masks of competence, ferocity, control. But at home, at night, I want to be able to take off the mask and let my flame relate to his flame. We do show this child-like quality with each other in many ways. I have not done this with too many past partners. One of my past partners was actually TOO “grown-up” in the sense of being stuffy, gruff, too rational. My bf can play. I hope that eventually we will be able to play in bed.
Re past R's. Yeah every one of them hit a wall and the sex went away. And I used to think that the "lack of sexual compatibility" was the problem. But now I think that "sexual compatibility" is a manifestation of the ease and openness of knowing you can be yourself and show that Little Flame. The LF is the part that is Deeply You, and you reveal it IN ITS ENTIRETY only to those most intimate with you. Given that there was enough physical attraction to get you into the R, it is a challenge to stay open with each other. I think the GGB’s discovered this at the Marriage Encounter weekend: the opened the channel between their LF’s with complete honesty and sexual energy has been flowing along that channel.
Clearly when I look at past R’s where I hit a wall and bailed (or he did), the one common denominator is ME. I truly own my part in this. From Day One of this R, I’ve asked myself, “is it him or is it me?” It’s like I’m trying to take water and turn it back into hydrogen and oxygen. But it’s important to me to do this. I am someone who analyzes and who thinks in analogies and metaphors.
I’ve learned a lot on this board, and I thank you all.
