Quote: I have to ask myself, as y'all asked CeMar (and I guess many of us could ask ourselves): Could I handle a fully mature adult partner (sexually and otherwise)? There's a reason why we let ourselves get into and stay in the crucible with these people.
Ah, Lillie,
This is just the question I've asked myself over and over again...looking back, I think I asked it of myself as i was getting married!
I understand you wanting to 'figure things out', I'm feeling that way myself as well. When does it stop being 'bailing out' and start being standing up for your integrity?
I'm sure ALL Rs hit a wall. If there are two adult people involved, when at least one of them notices that it ain't goin anywhere, and points it out, hopefully the other one realizes it as well, you'll be able to hash it out, and get stronger in the process.
But when one insists on continuing to bang their head-at what point should the other say, 'hey, this hurts! I'm not going to do it anymore!' I think we have to - and hopefully, the other might say, 'hey, you're right', or then they'll just keep banging. Either way, we've taken care of ourselves. If the other keeps on banging, and we walk away, to find they're not willing to stop, and we go back to join them - we have no one to blame but ourselvs. At that point we've decided that their pain is more important to us than our own safety.
Yes, the vows we take, out loud or in our hearts, do say we are going to stay through hard times, but I don't think they include staying in the car when the other is driving way too fast and carelessly. It does mean that we take turns driving, if one is better at filling the tank, they do that, the other might be better at changing a tire. You accept your strengths, and weaknesses, and use them so that both of you benefit.
I think, for me, part of the reason I've stayed here, is that H was able to 'play' on my weakness - disorganization and 'fear' of money. These were his strong points, and he used that to his advantage, sort of convincing me that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself (this was never said outloud in such direct terms, I would have run at that).
Your bf offers you something you need. And you're not willing to give that up, at least right now, for the possibility of getting something more mature. It could be in going elsewhere, you'd have to make a compromise in another area. It's back to what Corri said about having opinions, and JJ about priorities: what are we willing to compromise on, and what are the absolutes we won't live without.
We do have to know ourselves, and be willing to present ourselves to others before we can expect them to do the same.
Ok, I realise this post is a bit disjointed, and I'm sort of running in two directions at once, but this is about the best I can do right now with lack of sleep and 4 kids fighting for mommy's attention. Gotta go take care of them...
If you got out of this R, and ran straight into another, yes, you probably would end up with the same bunch of problems. But you need to decide if you can figure out your needs and priorities while staying in this R - or do you need to get out to see straight.
