Jenny and OG, thanks for the comments. First, one of the reasons I don't bail is that the voice is saying "it shouldn't have to be this hard," not "it DOESN'T have to be this hard." I've been in several long term Rs over the past 30 years, and every one of them hit a wall at some point. My tendency is to bail, not to stay and work. This may come, in part, from the AF brat background-- just move on and don't look back. I think I left my first marriage too soon. With the proper help, we probably could have made a go of it.
But clearly I have gotten myself into a R that hits many of my hot buttons. I feel very strongly that if I bail without figuring out what those are, I'll attract the very same man all over again. Or as my C says: let myself be attracted to the same man again.
I think that my experience with my husband's many health crises affected my ability to look at an event and say: "I'm not going to put up with this." As one life threatening crisis after another came at us, I just absorbed it and went on. At no time did I seriously consider bailing. But I think, as a result, I lost the ability to know when enough is too much. I know that good R's have crises and difficult times. I just don't know or don't trust myself to know when it's time to leave.
I appreciate your comments and I will ponder them. The lack of sex isn't the only issue. But the lack of maturity, of which I think the lack of sex is a manifestation, is closer to the mark.
I have to ask myself, as y'all asked CeMar (and I guess many of us could ask ourselves): Could I handle a fully mature adult partner (sexually and otherwise)? There's a reason why we let ourselves get into and stay in the crucible with these people.
