Previously, I stated that I think I am "in love" with my H to the extent that I can appreciate his beauty. Hopefully, when I talk about his beauty, I primarily mean the beauty of his character not the beauty of his biceps .
I used to be upset when my H told me that he thought his low sex drive was due, in part, to the fact that I was overweight. I thought he ought to love/desire me for the beauty of my character rather than the beauty of my body. I felt like he was asking me to violate my integrity by losing weight in order to attract him sexually. But, as I proceeded to go ahead and lose the weight, I realized that my addictive overeating behavior was a flaw in my character that I shouldn't expect my H to ignore. I gained integrity by taking control of my eating. Of course, if I took it to an extreme and tried to turn myself into Twiggy by starving myself, I would be violating my integrity in an attempt to get more sex.
Another example is the situation one of the HDH's described in which their LDW seemed willing to trade sex for a big screen television. If he went ahead and bought a TV in order to have sex, he wouldn't be able to respect himself. More importantly, just the thought that she was asking him to trade a TV for sex turned him off because he couldn't feel himself to be "in love" with a woman whose character was such that she wanted to make such a trade.
Recently, I got the impression that my H would be less stressed and more sexual if I avoided confronting him about the issue that he wasn't earning enough money to cover his half of our expenses. Therefore, I avoided the topic and tried to work harder to make up the difference. I felt resentment because I felt like he was making me do more than my fair share in order to have sex and I also felt resentment because I felt like he was making me violate my integrity by ignoring the financial situation in order to have sex. Finally, it dawned on me (again) that the only person who can make me tolerate inequity in a wimpy fashion or act without integrity is ME,MYSELF and I.
I confronted my H about the inequity of our financial situation and I admitted to acting without integrity by not communicating this to him sooner. The fact that telling him this did cause his sex drive to plummet was disappointing because it revealed a flaw in his character that made me feel like I was less "in love" with him. I temporarily had an image of my H as being someone like Kato Kalin who would be content to just live in my guest house and provide sexual favors in exchange for the occasional handout. Un fortunately, I am not at all attracted to the Kato type and even if I were, I can't afford a guesthouse .
Fortunately, my H has been "pulling himself together" lately and taking action that has given me some fresh respect for his character and therefore made me feel a little more "in love" with him again. The other day he asked me if "as a friend" and someone with "HR experience", I would help him with his job search. I was happy to help because he was clearly indicating that he knew that finding a new job was HIS responsibility. It may be the case that the fact that I now recognize that taking care of my sexual needs is my responsibility has made my H more willing to "help" in that area.
So, the moral of my essay is you should never do anything that violates your integrity in order to get laid. It will make you feel like cr*p and it won't work in the long run anyways because your partner can't desire or be "in love" with anyone lacking the character to maintain their integrity. OTH, it can be d*mn hard to figure out whether or not you are acting with integrity. I think it goes back to the issue of the "preferences" Corri was talking about or the self-esteem I was talking about. Are you doing something that makes you feel good about you in order to improve your sex life and/or relationship or not? If you are, you will be successful because either your actions will result in a similar reaction from your spouse or if they don't you will no longer care because this will show such a lack of character in your partner you will no longer be "in love" with or desire your partner and you will be ready to move on.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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