Being "in love".

[MJontheMend]

I've been quite relaxed since I had my little epiphany about how it's totally up to me to decide what I'm willing to tolerate in my marriage or sacrifice in pursuit of a great sex life. It's much easier for me to be "que sera sera" about whether I have sex on any particular day if I feel like I have some control over my sex life in general.

I was thinking about starting a thread entitled "Why I didn't have sex yesterday." in which I would make a daily report about how I was directly responsible for my own lack of sexual activity on the previous day. For instance, I didn't have sex yesterday and here are the reasons why:

1) I was kind of sleepy and not horny enough to initiate sex.

2) I have chosen for various reasons to remain married to a man who is unlikely to initiate sex with me.

I think taking complete responsibility for my sex life or lack of a sex life makes me happy because I hate the feeling of being "trapped" much more even than I hate being celibate. I'm sure this has something to do with "differentiation". Maybe, Schnarch wrote about "differentiation" being related to personal responsibility but it didn't sink in with me. Now I get it!

This afternoon, my H initiated sex with me in a very creative way. He saw that I was a bit surprised at his approach and he said "I'm trying to figure out what makes me tick.". We had an encounter that was as my H said as he tried to catch his breath "absolutely fantastic!".

The wonderful thing is that this afternoon's events make me more happy for my H than they make me for me. I know that I can make choices that will lead to a great sex life for me no matter what he chooses. I am happy for him that he is choosing to experience the pleasure of a great sex life too. I would hate for him to miss out on all that fun!