What do we mean when we say we're "in love" with someone or we wish they were "in love" with us? What's the difference between "emotional fusion" and "emotional connection"?
I've been pondering these questions from my current "state of grace" in which I find myself feeling extremely happy because it suddenly dawned on me that I don't need to be "in love" with my H or anyone else and I don't need anyone to be "in love" with me in order to be happy. I can be happy as long as I'm "in love" with myself and the world.
There's a children's book by Rachel Carlson entitled "I Like Me". The main character is a chunky little girl pig. The book starts out "I have a best friend. That best friend is me.". It continues with lines like "I ride my bike and eat healthy food because it makes me feel good." and "When other people say mean things to me, I just ignore them because I know that I'm special.". I'm paraphrasing since I haven't read the book in a while, but you get the idea. This book came to mind when I had my little "epiphany".
I think we all need to write our own little books like this. My book would have lines like "I go to the gym and workout because that makes me feel healthy and sexy." and "I do my best to meet the needs of my children to the extent that they're still dependent upon me." and " When other's imply that I'm slutty, I ignore them because I know that I'm special." and "I try to be kind to my husband, but not at the expense of my health or integrity, because that isn't kindness, that's martyrdom or collaboration or dishonesty.". etc. etc.
So I guess self-esteem is what I mean when I say I can be "in love" with myself. When I say I can be "in love" with the world, I mean I can find happiness in things outside myself besides a particular human relationship. I can try to leave myself open to sensual experience, pride in accomplishment and intellectual curiousity. In a general sense, I can find happiness in seeing an unusually beautiful flower or buying a $500 book for fifty cents or reading a thought provoking article in a magazine. In the specific area of sexuality, I can delight in the sight of a muscular forearm or a compliment about my performance of a certain sexual technique or I can be curious about whether it really would be "hot" to "do it" in an elevator.
Whether my H wants to share my experience of the world with me is completely up to him. If I say "Isn't that a beautiful flower.". He can choose to ignore me and not look at the flower. The fact that he isn't open to experiencing its beauty does nothing to alter the fact that it is indeed beautiful and is no reason for me to doubt my perception of its beauty or even repress my desire to smile when a fellow flower lover catches my eye across the bed.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I just realized that I answered my own question. I'm "in love" with the flower when I appreciate its beauty. I'm "emotionally fused" with my husband if I let his disdain for the flower spoil my appreciation of its beauty and I'm "emotionally connected" with my fellow flower lover when we share a smile over the beauty of the flower.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Great post JJ. Things can be as simple as a childrens' book or as complicated as quantum physics. I love me is a paradoxical statement; easy and hard all at the same time. The effects of loving yourself on your relationships and world at large make a huge difference. Part of loving yourself is an awareness of and willingness to see the beauty that is all around you. I know these things intellectually, they haven't migrated to my heart....yet. Life is the school, love the lesson.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
This is exactly what I was talking about on the "About feeling sexy..." thread.
Quote: I'm "in love" with the flower when I appreciate its beauty. I'm "emotionally fused" with my husband if I let his disdain for the flower spoil my appreciation of its beauty and I'm "emotionally connected" with my fellow flower lover when we share a smile over the beauty of the flower.
This is knowing YOUR preferences, likes/dislikes, and when you KNOW this about yourself, it doesn't really matter to you what your H thinks... not because you are being mean to him, but because you are honoring yourself.
So... if you love beautiful flowers and your H hates them... you don't ask him to tend to your flower garden, or go to the Home and Garden Show downtown... but that doesn't mean he gets to ruin your feelings for flowers.
How does being in love with your H fit into the analogy?
I see where you are in love with the flower, and fused with your H if he disdains the flower, and connected with him if you share a flower-lovin moment, but I'm still not following how you know that you are in love with your husband.
Honey, dense as can be today since I am operating on no sleep and a pissy attitude.
I will write about it in my own thread but this is what I recently tried to describe to my H when I told him that it is nice for me to delight in looking at him. I love looking across the room and feeling a sexual charge (that rockstar groupie thing JJ). He seemed to hear this without feeling pressured or anything and even seemed to understand it. I thought about this next part but didn't say it to him - The point that it becomes problematic is when I expand that to feeling disappointed when he doesn't also look across the room, meet my eyes and feel the same. That is fusion. I am working on allowing myself to experience sexual pleasure in small ways just because I do not because he does too.
Quote: How does being in love with your H fit into the analogy?
I'm "in love" with him when I appreciate the beauty in him. On another thread, NOP talked about falling in love with his wife's face. I think what he meant was that he fell in love with the beauty of her character as reflected in her face. Obviously, this is better than falling in love with someone because of the beauty of their breasts, since the beauty of your breasts rarely reflects the beauty of your character (though it might reflect a little of your character in terms of your willingness to workout and apply firming creams etc. etc. )
To a certain extent you can be "in love" with someone without being "emotionally connected" to them or you can be "emotionally fused" with someone without being "in love" with them. IMO, the person with whom you are "emotionally fused" and "in love" might not be as "emotionally fused" or as "in love" with you as you are with them, but two people always share the exact same level of "emotional connection" because you can't do "emotional connection" on your own by definition. Of course, I might be wrong in my thinking. What does Corri think?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: This is knowing YOUR preferences, likes/dislikes, and when you KNOW this about yourself, it doesn't really matter to you what your H thinks... not because you are being mean to him, but because you are honoring yourself.
We are in complete agreement.
Quote: So... if you love beautiful flowers and your H hates them... you don't ask him to tend to your flower garden, or go to the Home and Garden Show downtown... but that doesn't mean he gets to ruin your feelings for flowers.
Yes, but who will tend my flower garden? There are a lot of jobs in the garden that require at least a helping hand. If I hire a gardener, my "man of all jobs" says he'll quit. I guess the question becomes do I need a enthusiastic gardener more than I need a chief bottle washer, business partner, court jester and Mr. Cuddles? Could I cut back on my garden design and settle for something smaller and easier to maintain? These questions and others along with the occasional complete regression into emotional fusion is what keeps me here on the SSM BB.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
