Being "in love".

[MJontheMend]

What do we mean when we say we're "in love" with someone or we wish they were "in love" with us? What's the difference between "emotional fusion" and "emotional connection"?

I've been pondering these questions from my current "state of grace" in which I find myself feeling extremely happy because it suddenly dawned on me that I don't need to be "in love" with my H or anyone else and I don't need anyone to be "in love" with me in order to be happy. I can be happy as long as I'm "in love" with myself and the world.

There's a children's book by Rachel Carlson entitled "I Like Me". The main character is a chunky little girl pig. The book starts out "I have a best friend. That best friend is me.". It continues with lines like "I ride my bike and eat healthy food because it makes me feel good." and "When other people say mean things to me, I just ignore them because I know that I'm special.". I'm paraphrasing since I haven't read the book in a while, but you get the idea. This book came to mind when I had my little "epiphany".

I think we all need to write our own little books like this. My book would have lines like "I go to the gym and workout because that makes me feel healthy and sexy." and "I do my best to meet the needs of my children to the extent that they're still dependent upon me." and " When other's imply that I'm slutty, I ignore them because I know that I'm special." and "I try to be kind to my husband, but not at the expense of my health or integrity, because that isn't kindness, that's martyrdom or collaboration or dishonesty.". etc. etc.

So I guess self-esteem is what I mean when I say I can be "in love" with myself. When I say I can be "in love" with the world, I mean I can find happiness in things outside myself besides a particular human relationship. I can try to leave myself open to sensual experience, pride in accomplishment and intellectual curiousity. In a general sense, I can find happiness in seeing an unusually beautiful flower or buying a $500 book for fifty cents or reading a thought provoking article in a magazine. In the specific area of sexuality, I can delight in the sight of a muscular forearm or a compliment about my performance of a certain sexual technique or I can be curious about whether it really would be "hot" to "do it" in an elevator.

Whether my H wants to share my experience of the world with me is completely up to him. If I say "Isn't that a beautiful flower.". He can choose to ignore me and not look at the flower. The fact that he isn't open to experiencing its beauty does nothing to alter the fact that it is indeed beautiful and is no reason for me to doubt my perception of its beauty or even repress my desire to smile when a fellow flower lover catches my eye across the bed.