January: Chapter 1 in the New Beginning

[psluke]

So tired today. For the past two nights I just can't stay asleep. Then I lay awake and my mind just goes all over the place and none of it seems any sort of clear thinking.

I know being tired does not lend itself to me doing any sort of clear thinking and I have felt so swamped with the van, the attorney thing, the J thing and then PK on top of it all.

The realtor e-mailed me yesterday to see what is going on with PK. I wrote back and let her know that D and I haven't communicated in any way since we met her to go through the house and that I had no idea what was going on with the house.

Thankfully my van is making some progress and I have a start on the letter to A that I need to finish up and send soon.

I have also been posting in Newcomers a bit and I hadn't been there in over a year I bet. I just get too darn emotional wrapped up in things.

I know that is one of the things I need to work on in myself.

I think for some reason my mom likes to tie into that, it almost seems sadistic. But I am guessing she does this without thinking.

I unfortunately have a fairly vivid imagination. She likes to tell me sad stories and the more details she has the better I think she likes it. I have stated to her that she really doesn't need to tell me those things but it hasn't stopped her.

The other day she went to Evansville to the herding with me. Telling me about all the barns that have collapsed with this huge snow we had. One in particular she said there were two horses in the arena and they lost one. THEN she preceded to tell me they were afraid to try to get to the horse and it was jumping and lunging to try and get free and they shot it. Had to shoot it in the head twice and then the heart. She doesn't know if they even knew if it was all right or not. Next they took a chain saw and cut the other one out and it is ok.

Things like that just tend to stay with me. I don't know why, I do believe I will discuss it with my C. It isn't ANYTHING I can do anything about but I feel sad and dwell on it. Although when she was telling me this story I tried to almost just go into my mind and not block it per say but lots of self talk to myself and I think it helped some.