In over a year of posting, I've hardly posted at the weekend. Perhaps a 180 is appropriate NG came back from his business trip last night, and was in a very chatty mood, regaling me with more than the usual details about his meetings. This could either mean he wants to hide something, or that he is just comfortable chatting more than usual. I guess I'm going to choose to believe the latter. Maybe in time, the former will not even cross my mind
Quote: Does asking for what you want from him mean that he has to do the same in kind? This isn't meant to be a daft question, but one that is wondering if this is a dynamic that works well for you?
Do both of you have to be ready to take the same step at the same time?
Hey Betsey, I had to really think about this. And no, I don't think we both need to be ready at the same time, though that would make life simpler. But, I feel he at least needs to be ready and receptive to hearing what I want or need. And right now, he seems to be somewhat still wrapped in the how-could-I-have-done-this-to-her mode. It just does not feel like he is ready to hear about my needs.
Quote: This could either mean he wants to hide something, or that he is just comfortable chatting more than usual. I guess I'm going to choose to believe the latter.
Aren't you making assumptions here? Why not just accept it at face value -- he's talking to you, a lot, about something that is important to him. Period! Remember the name of your thread, "Delighting in Details"...so start delighting in them!
Hi Martha - Absolutely I was assuming Fortunately I caught myself, guess I'm still in that consciously-competent phase - just waiting for the time when the negative thoughts do not even enter my mind!
It was a so-so weekend, NG decided he had to do some work on Saturday, which left me more than a little miffed as I was left sorting through our bank papers by myself. I've noticed lately that there is resentment building inside me regarding the share of 'our' work that I end up doing. I don't want to feel resentful, but am not yet comfortable just neglecting errands (which is a talent NG has in abundance) Asking him to pitch in has not worked. Thoughts anyone
I'm aiming for a super week, resentments notwithstanding. Slowly
Quote: NG decided he had to do some work on Saturday, which left me more than a little miffed as I was left sorting through our bank papers by myself. I've noticed lately that there is resentment building inside me regarding the share of 'our' work that I end up doing. I don't want to feel resentful, but am not yet comfortable just neglecting errands (which is a talent NG has in abundance) Asking him to pitch in has not worked. Thoughts anyone
Slowly
This is the problem I had in our M. Although H brought home the bacon, I always felt resentment that he did precious little else around the place. So if I had gone out and 'got a job like everyone else' would I have been doing all the work at home as well?? So he could ease up on his work? Which in any case was never that onerous.
Just having had him here for two days last week reminded me that he doesn't clear up after himself, tidy up after himself, remember that there are others in the house to share the food with, etc etc.
I would like to know how people tackle this issue.
Can I ask, what areas is NG good in - car maintenance, DIY, garden jobs, cooking, whatever - something that might balance out what you do? Do you at least implicitly agree that not EVERYTHING has to be split meticulolusly down the middle, and that you each have areas of greater competence? Sometimes we overlook what the other person does because we don't do it ourselves. Just a thought.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - Thanks for the affirmation - I was begining to feel that my 'irritation' was unreasonable I suppose because of my lower tolerance for loose ends, over the 20 years I've let myself drift into picking up the bulk of my chores. His betrayal has made me question everything, including my habits...
Quote: Can I ask, what areas is NG good in - car maintenance, DIY, garden jobs, cooking, whatever - something that might balance out what you do?
Well yes, he takes care of taking the car for service, its his job to load the dishwasher (tho he 'forgot' to do it last night, so I had to do it before heading off to work), he used to do quite a lot of DIY around the house, but I cannot recall in the past 3-4 years anything that was done.
To be honest, I have made some changes that have made me feel a lot less like I was an unpaid maid - I now only load clothes into the washing machine if they are in the laundry basket. He has about 6 shirts and 4 pants that are in various places around hthe dressing room, but I'm managing to hold firm and not interfere. A small thing, but one that seems to be an important statement, for me anyways.
Slowly, after being a worker an executive woman, now i am at home and yes, i feel horrible about being maintain by him and he is not doing a lot to makes me feel confortable with that issue
Quote: To be honest, I have made some changes that have made me feel a lot less like I was an unpaid maid
What changes are you talking about?!! I also want to say you that thinking wrong about the good issues is also a bad actitude for me... when my h is so communicative or pleasent i beguin thinking maybe he is remorsefull or hiding something wrong... but yes, i do a lot of work trying to do a 180 and accept his mood change as a step forward from him...!! Andrea
Just having had him here for two days last week reminded me that he doesn't clear up after himself, tidy up after himself, remember that there are others in the house to share the food with, etc etc.
I would like to know how people tackle this issue.
Well, I've come to the conclusion that in marriages with kids, the woman ends up doing more than half the work, no matter what. That said, I've learned that it is best with my dh to come right out and ask him to do what I'd like him to do -- i.e. "Honey, would you please wipe off the counter? You left some jam from your sandwich there" or "DD1 needs clean socks -- would you wash her whites today?" Hinting doesn't work, nagging doesn't work, blowing up doesn't work -- but coming right out and asking works!
HI Andrea and M22 - This seems to be quite a common issue, and I guess more than anything else, we need the right attitude to tackle it. I'm moving in pursuit of that attitude. See you over at
NG came back from his business trip last night, and was in a very chatty mood, regaling me with more than the usual details about his meetings. This could either mean he wants to hide something, or that he is just comfortable chatting more than usual. I guess I'm going to choose to believe the latter. Maybe in time, the former will not even cross my mind 
Remember the name of your thread, "Delighting in Details"...so start delighting in them! 
Fortunately I caught myself, guess I'm still in that consciously-competent phase - just waiting for the time when the negative thoughts do not even enter my mind! 
