Mind if I ask you a question? What does "connected" look and feel like to you? I'm genuinely interested, because it's something I've been thinking about recently. Is it something NG does? Something you feel? What "happens" between the two of you the moment you feel "now we're connected!"?
Quote: For the most part, we are managing to co-exist as intimate friends. For now, it seems to be sufficient. Sometimes I do wonder when we'll feel truly connected again, if ever
Pent, that's a great question, as I was thinking along those same lines.
Here's a question for your consideration, Slowly. As "intimate friends", are you not already experiencing a connection? Perhaps it's a different kind of connection than you've experienced in the past, and maybe that's why you don't recoginze it as a "connection"? How does it feel/what does it look like when you are connected to another "intimate friend" who is not NG?
Hey Pen and Martha - OK I must confess, I've had to think a little about your excellent questions
For me, when I feel connected with someone, it is like there are no barriers to communications, no inhibitions, no fear of saying the wrong thing. Right now, NG and I are being very polite with each other, and we are processing much of what we feel privately, or in my case, sometimes here on the boards. I regret the gap in our connection. In many ways we share more, about our work, our friends and our families. Yet, in other ways, our frustrations with each other, our fears, hopes and dreams - it all feels awkward. I like to think it is a matter of time, but who knows, ya?
I have a couple of very good friends, both have been with me since we were all 8 years old I feel very connected with these friends in that in the context of our friendship, we are open and entirely comfortable with each other. Sure, sometimes we are perhaps too honest with each other, and we retreat into cave time, lick our wounds, and embrace each other again. I feel at home with these two wonderful ladies.
With NG, I want to feel at home, but right now, I'm feeling more comfortable leaving the front door slightly open in case I need to run out. Does this make sense?
Hello everyone - Nothing dramatic to report, and boy does it feel good to be able to say that NG leaves on a business trip today for a couple of days, I'm not able to tag along as I have prior commitments, but to be honest, I'm looking forward to some 'me' time with my friends.
Something I wanted to relate here - just to remind myself that this is going to be a looong journey Three weeks ago I started moving some things around in preparation for re-decorating our bedroom. We used to have the laundry basket in a small room next to our bedroom, where we used to change. I moved the laundry basket into our bedroom. On Sunday I noticed that NG had dropped his clothes on the floor where the laundry basket used to be in the small room. I chuckled, he came to see why, I told him, and with a sheepish look he moved the clothes into the basket in our room. Now, he tells me he 'forgot' the basket had been moved, but whatever the reason, this man certainly is a creature of habit. Just how much effort it is going to take to make him realise that I've changed some things about me, I wonder ....
Thanks for the birthday wishes! This conversation on intimate friends and connection has really been intriguing me over here and I've not had a lot of time to post around here.
I was wondering what I can learn from it and whether I had anything to add-- it's a topic that has really been on my mind and in my life lately. But back to you!
Quote: For me, when I feel connected with someone, it is like there are no barriers to communications, no inhibitions, no fear of saying the wrong thing. Right now, NG and I are being very polite with each other, and we are processing much of what we feel privately, or in my case, sometimes here on the boards. I regret the gap in our connection. In many ways we share more, about our work, our friends and our families. Yet, in other ways, our frustrations with each other, our fears, hopes and dreams - it all feels awkward. I like to think it is a matter of time, but who knows, ya?
I have a couple of very good friends, both have been with me since we were all 8 years old I feel very connected with these friends in that in the context of our friendship, we are open and entirely comfortable with each other. Sure, sometimes we are perhaps too honest with each other, and we retreat into cave time, lick our wounds, and embrace each other again.
If connection feels to you like an old and timeworn friendship... well, that kind of connection IS a matter of time. And other things of course, but spending time is a big part of developing that kind of R.
I don't think the politeness or private processing is at all unusual or red-flag-like in your situation.
But if connection to you means you ease out of that place and into one where you're more comfortable sharing openly with one another, then someone needs to say so. And someone needs to make that a safe thing to do, to invite that, and to let whatever is shared be OK to be shared (even if it's not pleasing).
This isn't easy, especially when you want to be pleasing one another or protecting yourself from getting too vulnerable.
I suspect you're going to be the one who gets the job. I don't believe real, lasting connections happen without asking for what we want. Because how else is the guy going to know? Or as a MF of mine pointed out once, he "wants to know what I'm doing right". Same goes for him telling you.
That takes time.
Is it a type of connection that neither of you are familiar with... perhaps that's true too. I think we know when we are connected with someone... and sometimes it takes forms that aren't our "prescribed definition", so we get confused.
So maybe you're just in uncharted territory with one another?
Wonder - Thank you so much for the awesome feedback! This is a subject I think will be constantly re-visited in my life, not just with NG but with others too.
Quote: Is it a type of connection that neither of you are familiar with... perhaps that's true too. I think we know when we are connected with someone... and sometimes it takes forms that aren't our "prescribed definition", so we get confused.
I do believe we are in the phase of it (intimacy) not being 'prescribed definition' - for the simple reason that defining intimacy is not a discussion we have ever had. I see NG doing things with/for me that he has never done before, and it feels wonderful, but I guess I'm getting stuck in my own 'prescribed definition'. For the most part, I think I'm happy to go along with the flow with him for now, my musings will be reserved for here But yes, at some time, I do believe it will be my job to raise the issue of what I want. NG is nowhere near ready for this though, IMO.
In the meantime, I'm letting him see my daily worries and vulnerabilities with everyone and everything else, and he is doing a great job stepping up to being supportive. Slowly, the dynamics between us is changing. I'm enjoying being both participant and observer Worries and vulnerabilities about him, or our relationship, will most certainly have him running to the hills, so no comment seems to be the best approach for now.
Quote: In the meantime, I'm letting him see my daily worries and vulnerabilities with everyone and everything else, and he is doing a great job stepping up to being supportive. Slowly, the dynamics between us is changing. I'm enjoying being both participant and observer.
Maybe if you started a solution journal to track the changes in your dynamics, it would give you an opportunity to observe more closely and perhaps help you in developing your new construct about "intimacy".
I have started a thread in the Staying Solution Focused forum, My Solution Journal, so I can more closely monitor what's changing in my sitch. Of course, I'm no where near as far down the line as you are! But I know if I want to get where you and others on the BB are at, I need to start monitoring progress in a more concrete way.
I've been reading here and there, but not posting much. Decided to change my M.O. today...
Quote: But yes, at some time, I do believe it will be my job to raise the issue of what I want. NG is nowhere near ready for this though, IMO.
Now that I'm reading a book H2H recommended (What Could He Be Thinking), I am now able to see this one differently.
Does asking for what you want from him mean that he has to do the same in kind? This isn't meant to be a daft question, but one that is wondering if this is a dynamic that works well for you?
Do both of you have to be ready to take the same step at the same time?
Quote: In the meantime, I'm letting him see my daily worries and vulnerabilities with everyone and everything else, and he is doing a great job stepping up to being supportive.
Wow! A year ago you wouldn't have been able to say this. This is really big and wonderful stuff!
Keep up the great job, Slowly. You're doing just fine.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Martha - Yes, I've thought about journaling my experiences more thoroughly, and shall we just say, its still a 'challenge' ... I find my processing tends to happen when I'm away from the computer, and I tend to carry conclusions rather than the process. Something I know I need to work on.
Yeah, Slowly - this one happens with me, too. My processing happens in the very back of my mind, while I'm doing the dishes, or on the subway, and suddenly a conclusion will strike me and that's that, like I've known it for years.
I don't know, though - journaling can get in the way of my natural way of processing things. If I am forced to process at the forefront of my mind, which is what happens when I type or write, it becomes somehow artificial sometimes.
I feel very connected with these friends in that in the context of our friendship, we are open and entirely comfortable with each other. Sure, sometimes we are perhaps too honest with each other, and we retreat into cave time, lick our wounds, and embrace each other again. I feel at home with these two wonderful ladies. 
Slowly
Three weeks ago I started moving some things around in preparation for re-decorating our bedroom. We used to have the laundry basket in a small room next to our bedroom, where we used to change. I moved the laundry basket into our bedroom. On Sunday I noticed that NG had dropped his clothes on the floor where the laundry basket used to be in the small room. I chuckled, he came to see why, I told him, and with a sheepish look he moved the clothes into the basket in our room. Now, he tells me he 'forgot' the basket had been moved, but whatever the reason, this man certainly is a creature of habit. Just how much effort it is going to take to make him realise that I've changed some things about me, I wonder ....
Slowly
Slowly
