Delighting in Details

[Underdog]

Hi Slowly!

Wow, sorry to hear you're having a tough go here lately.

I don't have much to add--Livnlearn hit some really great points, as did Ellie.

I'm probably one of those women who would be booed off the stage for feeling the way I do about Valentines Day. But I'll risk it and offer a perspective that, although unpopular, is valid. At least for me.

I've never like Valentines Day. It brings back unpleasant memories of being a kid and receiving less Valentines than other kids. Nowadays, the kids have to have one for every child in the class... To me, it feels like a manufactured "holiday" (I'd even go so far as to say it's a conspiracy by the retailers) and I don't like guilt inspired gift giving.

But I've also received some very special mementoes. My dad has always written a poem expressing what is in his heart to my mom and siblings (and now my daughters). I enjoy receiving them, and I also enjoy leaving cards for Mr. W or significant male, my kids and parents.

It's a personal preference, and it makes me very uncomfortable. However, I married someone who absolutely ADORES Valentines Day. Until he moved out, he's always given me very thoughtful and lavish gifts--including a leather jacket, a ruby and diamond ring, and lots of other really beautiful jewelry. I always found it odd, given the fact that his birthday is 4 days before VD. So when I didn't devote as much energy to VD as he did, he was crestfallen and assumed that I did not love him as much as he loved me. (It took him at least 7 years to tell me that he felt this way.)

I don't know if it's true in the UK, but you can't find a place to have dinner here without making reservations far in advance, and the newspapers are always running lavish and extravagant specials that imply if you do less, your spouse/SO doesn't love you enough.

I ended up telling Mr. W. that I would much rather him devote that much energy to my birthday. My birthday is all about me. Nobody is dying to be at the restaurant on my special day, and I don't have to share it with every other person on the planet.

Slowly, he never acknowledged my feelings. Except for the year I turned 40, he never got me a cake (though I did get presents). We never went out to dinner. But I continued to get lavish Valentine presents that were appreciated, but not to the degree he would have like to have seen from me.

My point? And I think you hinted to it in your comment:

My problem is breaking the habit of 20 years - I've always been a bit insular, and have preferred my space, and inevitably dug a 'chore hole' for myself. Right now, I'm not yet good at even asking, never mind nagging, for what I want. NG is just doing what he always did, gave me the space.

We all get "stuck" in old patterns. Yes, you have changed. But it's human nature to fight it tooth and nail. If you're anything like me, that change was not voluntary or embraced--it was forced and difficult. You recognized the severity of your circumstances and saw a need to step up to the plate.

But many of our spouses clearly fear doing just this. It takes them much longer to see change as positive--I'll even wager that the only way some of them even get to that point is to have enough distance between them and the event that forced it to see it clearly.

At some point, it may just be healthy to put some imaginary blinders on so that you see only what you are doing and that whatever NG is doing has no bearing on how you proceed. Accept the fact that he loves you and wants to be with you. But continue to chart out your own territory and go after the things that are important to you.

If you change how you see him, you just might see that his motives aren't so different than yours. You just execute them differently. Not better or worse. Differently.

I have a special needs kid, which makes this a little more clear for me. I know she's a kid and also human, and has different limitations and abilities. So I don't expect her to perform as I would a typical kid. I go to her level and accept who she is right there. It's a great lesson with others... because that's all we want from our loved ones, isn't it? To be loved just because we are who we are and not what we can give others?

I'm not saying you're guilty of this, but sometimes it just requires putting on a different set of glasses to see the same environment differently.

What if you could just walk into the room and instinctively know that NG loves you enough, and he's doing the best he can? I bet that would go a long way in soothing your anxieties?

Hugs, special lady. (LNL--you didn't sound preachy at all to me. I enjoyed reading your comments!)

Betsey