Your post brought out this response, I hope you don't fnd it preachy, it is just an accumulation of thoughts that I have picked up after much reading and sharing and observing on this BB and elsewhere.
Quote: Hi LnL - Yes, I often think of sharing the love languages book with NG, but honestly, he is just not ready to think of my needs
Quote: Many guys are just not that into card giving, leaving notes, little gifts, marking special occasions etc. Is NG one of those, or has he just changed recently?
No, he has not changed at all - that's my point. Why go through all this pain only to fall back to old patterns
One thing I'd like to point out, is that if someone is not that into gift giving, cards etc, it is very likely that this is because it was not a ritual in HIS family while growing up. Not a part of the family culture. Would I be right there? If so, then it is very much something that your H can't get his head around, so it is NOT something DIRECTED at you in any way, and you mustn't personalise it.
Have you read the Four Agreements book? It is important not to personalise everything that people do and say, or don't do and say. The fact that your H hasn't given you a card or acknowledged yours, is NOT a reflection of how lovable or worthy you are, but reflects HIS state of mind. He is incapable of understanding how importabnt it is to you because of his own limitations at this time.
I am sure we are all aware, by now, that when WE feel good, and loved, and secure, we are so much more capable and likely to be generous and giving and compassionate to others. Even if those others are not themselves being loving and giving. We can view them with compassion and patience, because we have big reserves of self-esteem ourselves.
And another thing - all these special days, like New Year's Day, Valentine's day etc, have so many expectations built into them. We must have a long list of amazing resolutions worked out for the New Year. But guess what, any resolution worth making is worth making any day of the year, you don't need to wait till New Year's day to make it. Likewise, when your H is ready to show you love and affection and acknowledge your specialness, he will do so regardless of the day it is. So don't hang on to THAT day. Give your H some time and space to resolve his difficulties. Carry on being the kind and loving and patient Slowly that you are, without thought of (immediate) returns from him. When you give him a card, you are expressing YOUR love for him. Looks like right now it needs to be unconditional.
We did have an interesting chat yesterday when he asked me why I was upset on Monday. I told him that at least an acknowledgement of my card, perhaps a hug, would have been nice. To just ignore it was painful. He had nothing to say.
A little later he tells me he is struggling with his guilt, and sometimes is just unable to engage with me. That he regrets the a, that he was 'taken advantage' of by ow. I reminded (yeah, stupid me) him that he used to maintain that it was he who started the a, and therefore it was his 'responsibility' to make sure the ending is as painless for her as possible. To which he responded, its always the woman chasing the man. Hmmm. I'm not sure where he is going with this, but by my reckoning, NG is a long way from being healed, if he is still unable to confront his role in the a.
Well, you've said it, now it's up to your H to own responsibility for the A and start to come to terms with it, forgive himself, and then ask it of you, or for you to forgive him off your own bat.
Have you indeed forgiven him, or are you waiting till he owns up, and apologises?
Others reading this, does this need to happen first? Or can our prior forgiveness precipate owning up to the responsibility and the offering of an apology?
And Slowly, have you explicitely owned up to any of your shortcomings to your H?
I wish I knew how this is going to pan out
You cannot know how this is going to pan out, as it isn't engraved in stone anywhere. It actually depends on YOU and your H and how you go forward. Every action/non action, every day, is a fork in the road, and we are making decisions EVERY single day of our lives about which option of the fork to take.
Same with your H, he doesn't KNOW where this will go! Your actions will nudge him one way or the other.
Slowly
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
