Refining goals for 2005 is proving tricky, partially because I feel I should tackle my serious issues, and not take the easy way out by going for the quick wins. Looking back at 2004, I feel that I was able to pull through only by 'deferring' some big challenges; perhaps the time has come to tackle them.
The tough ones for me are deep emotional ones, frankly I'm quaking at the thought of having to deal with them, but now seems as good a time as any. The title of this thread skims the surface of one type of challenge - I'm very much a big picture person, while NG is almost anal about detail. Yes, we complement each other, but there are times when I need to be capable of seeing things through his eyes, and that means knowing how to delve into the details, examine an argument in 48 different angles.
Sooo, I need to learn how to take delight in details Stop and smell the flowers, not just catch the whiff carried by the breeze, so to speak.
As for the rest of my goals, well, I plan to take my time, delighting in the details
Slowly, your look back at your achievements in 2004 is great and refining your goals for 2005 is a terrific step. Put "Wrote Out Goals for 2005" on the top of your accomplishments list for this year! You mentioned swinging for the fences with some more difficult goals, and that is admirable, but you do need to take some easier pitches to get you on base. What I've done is develop a mix of easily achievable goals and harder to achieve goals, so I don't feel frustrated and as if I haven't accomplished anything. So, for me, making one-on-one time with my kids is doable (and important) goal, but not as hard as developing clients for my new business, or exploring my psyche in therapy.
Just two cents from the Queen of List Making, MicheleTW
Quote: Actually by the organization on your accomplishments I rather thought you were detail oriented!
It was sooo tempting to just say 2004 was OK despite the trauma - I had to force myself to compile the list, and then of course, with no sense of moderation, I go on to classify each entry
I'm hoping to become unconsciously aware of details, instead of skating through life in broad brush strokes - let's see how this pans out.
Hi Michele - I love your two cents - yes, it does make sense to have some things that are achievable - like updating my wardrobe, scheduling some renovations, getting our Orient Express holiday.
On the other hand, I really must also address some tough ones like rampant insecurities, lingering anger and resentment, the big one on forgiveness. Ugh. Up to now, I've been of the mind that until NG is ready, there is little for me to do. Changing the dynamics between us on regular interactions was tough enough. But I see him drifting aimlessly, and feel that I need to now plan my agenda, or be drifting myself.
Taking my time over this though. I'm also trying to figure out steps 3 and 4 that Wonder had outlined
Quote: 3. Sharing the goals with people who will support you and who will actually ask you how you're doing with them. (For me, this usually means emails of good resources or casual questions that force me to admit I haven't done anything in weeks on said goal).
4. Coming up with a systemthat you can deal with. I use the notes page each month in my calendar to make my lists. I've learned three things about what works for me-- it needs to be in my face, it needs to involve my penchant for writing stuff down and it needs to be fun not an ordeal.
After my 'Honey, I'm busy, figure it out with your friends' remark, NG cancelled his away trip this week, and is working from home, as well as being there for our visitors. Yesterday, I had to go to a meeting late afternoon, and then went on to the pub to wish a dear colleague goodbye, together with everyone else from work. When I got home at around 8, with dinner, NG was on the interrogation non-stop. This time, I really listened to what his questions were really about - this chap is worried; if it was not so sad, it would be funny
But, it is the most attention I've had from NG in over a week. Makes me think I should do more of what works, and get out with friends more often.
Question for the tribal elders - should I be addressing his hidden concerns, or just take his questions at face value and move on, as I answered them all at face value?
Slowly, I have been taking coach training to buff up my skills (Achievement #4, Goal #3 ) and wanted to comment on Wonder's third point.
Quote: 3. Sharing the goals with people who will support you and who will actually ask you how you're doing with them. (For me, this usually means emails of good resources or casual questions that force me to admit I haven't done anything in weeks on said goal).
This is one of the fundamental elements of one-on-one coaching -- accountability and responsibility. If you aren't working with a coach or a therapist, you might find a friend who you can check in with weekly or every other week to share your progress. You can even do it reciprocally. For me, it's been important to share my goals and achievements with someone responsible and worthy of my trust, since trust was so badly eroded in my M. That's another goal for this year, to rebuild my ability to trust appropriately.
It will be interesting to see if meeting some of your goals here in the near term work to allay your "rampant insecurities". The anger, resentment and forgiveness? I think that is on its own schedule and can't be hurried. Have I recommended Dr. Janis Spring's book "How Can I Forgive You?" It's excellent.
Quote: Question for the tribal elders - should I be addressing his hidden concerns, or just take his questions at face value and move on, as I answered them all at face value?
We agonize over our own insecurities and doubts...yet we delight in theirs! It is really a fine line, imo.
I know that you are concerned with alleviateing your own insecurities and trusting NG again. This work is work that you need do on your own but it does take some real communication with NG.
You have been changing so much of who you are and how you respond to his needs that he is reeling. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it is great to have informed him that you were not available to play hostess to his friends. I think that you are setting clearer boundaries and this can only strengthen a relationship in the long run.
As for answering his questions at face value? I think that is ok, too. A bit of mystery is good for the guy....and look at how effective it is! If it comes up again and he asks a similar face value question you can then ask if he needs something else from you... "NG, is this really about the ______ or are you asking me something else?" And do this in an open and caring way so that he can share a bit more with you.
I think you are doing a wonderful job... You are expecting more from NG but you are also digging deeper to expect more from yourself. That has to be good for both of you.
Hi Michele - It's reassuring to know I'm finally going about goal-setting in a manner that has a good chance of success
My take on Step 2 of the Wonder Model:
Enjoy today, everyday, with NG I'm relying on you all to keep me focused on the moment. I reckon NG will need another year or so to process his stuff; realistically there is little I can expect, except to enjoy the ride. This modest goal is what I need to focus on, to buy myself time to heal, get over the anger and resentment. No past, no future, just today. My journals here should help me keep track of progress
Focus on improving my health, physical energy, and emotional well being My two real-world buddies are on this same track, I expect us to coach each other as we hit inevitable dips during the year. After an amazing first half 2004, I'm now struggling with my weight again - ugh. Lots of work here
Bask in the comfort of my social network I have wonderful friends, but we do not seem to have the time or energy to maintain even the barest of contacts. This year, I'd like to be a net contributor, by making time to create connection opportunities for everyone. It'll be fun, I feel a fraud for listing this as a major goal, but, the results will be well worth the attention this process will endow on re-connecting activities
There are so many other challenges ahead - re-building our finances, adjusting to a new manager as my current one retires etc. But, I figure I can expect myself to handle three big ones, and no doubt there will be components to these super-goals, so I'll not get too ambitious
Stop and smell the flowers, not just catch the whiff carried by the breeze, so to speak. 
