Quote: Your wife is not broken. She choses to remain STUCK. Have you considered one of those Marriage Encounter Weekends some people have talked about on here? You need help to get her to a point where she is willing to self-confront. I can't tell you how terrifying it is. I think Liliperl was the one who compared it to like, fear of spiders and how people get over phobias.
I've wanted to do something like a MCW for quite some time, but I haven't mentioned it to W. Maybe it says that I've become a defeatist, but the fact is: I haven't brought it up because I really haven't had any hope that it would help. We've spent untold hours and tens of thousands of dollars on C's, but W has steadfastly refused to either talk about or address any sexual issues. Why would a Marriage Encounter Weekend be any different?
I've known it before, but it's just since coming here that I've really accepted the sitch. I now really understand that this is a choice that W has made and is continuing to make. My past efforts have been directed toward “fixing” her. Now I finally understand that I can’t fix her. Now, instead of fixing her, I’ve moved to a two-pronged approach. My goals now are to better understand and improve myself, and then to try to find a way to help motivate W to do the same. That’s way more simplistic than the reality, but I’ve never being accused at being good at articulating my feelings.
Quote: I've wanted to do something like a MCW for quite some time, but I haven't mentioned it to W. Maybe it says that I've become a defeatist, but the fact is: I haven't brought it up because I really haven't had any hope that it would help. We've spent untold hours and tens of thousands of dollars on C's, but W has steadfastly refused to either talk about or address any sexual issues. Why would a Marriage Encounter Weekend be any different?
Does the Marriage Encounter Weekend address issues like this? What if a couple goes and one of them just won't open up? Do they have any techniques or exercises designed to help the calmmed up partner talk? I would guess the weekend can't be a success unless both partners are willing. A really stubborn partner might take the approach, "See, we even tried this and it didn't work!" or "Marriage Encounter is just another way for you to get me to have sex?" How does the curriculum deal with this kind of stuff?
Lille, Marriage encounter is about communication and sharing, not about sex. Yes, to be most effective, both partners have to participate fully, but on the other hand, if you expose yourself by disclosing fully, just that act will help to get your spouse to open up. In my case, I went into the weekend viewing it almost as a last chance so i had nothing to lose by just opening up totally. My W was VERY reluctant (if you look back to my threads you'll see that), to the point of almost bagging out as we pulled into the hotel. Had it not been for her best friend taking the kids and insisting she go, we would have never made it there. By the end of the weekend, she was opening up too. Because of her reluctance, I really didn't expect much either, but I decided to put everything I had into it in order to have the best chance of success. I can't say enough good things about how it affected us.
Wildebub, Marriage encounter is different because it is not counseling. It is a series of exercises, that you and your spouse participate in privately in your room, designed to get you talking intimately. I'd say a minimum requirment is that both partners have to be committed to the relationship (and I'm sure all of you are, or you wouldn't be here). This is much different than counselling, as the purpose is not to analyze and fix the problems, rather it is to learn to communicate your feelings. It is amazing what just knowing what your spouse is feeling because of your actions can do for getting you both to move closer together.
What can you lose by going? Worst case, you are out a weekend of your time. I suppose you could discover that you despise each other and that you are better off splitting, but even in that case I suppose the weekend makes you better off. You don't even have to pay for the weekend. They tell you what it costs to host a couple for the weekend, and ask you to donate what you feel you can, but there is no obligation to pay anything.
The ME weekend provides you as couple a way to work on your communications skills with each other. And to use the cliche, you only get what you put into it. The W and I went at the suggestion of our MC. Our cost was $100 for the weekend, here in the Minneapolis area they have their own space which is a donated college dorm. They do ask for more donations during the weekend, fyi. We went in to see what we could learn and find out. We found out that our relationship was in better shape than we thought. While we didn't have the big change like GGB, things have improved. We are also continuing on after the weekend with a group of 6 couples that meet once a month to discuss marriage.
Scott -Who is very glad it's Friday.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
That really struck a cord. I tell my husband, who is a wonderful lover, that he makes me feel like making love to me is a chore. I AM sexy whether he thinks so or not. I threw out all my sensible panties and splurged ( big time!) on pretty panties and the very best sexy bras. He really hasn't seen most of it. He will have sex if I initiate it and it has been that way through out our marriage. He will be a great and attentive lover TO me. But he seems to experience little passion.
I used to let it make me feel so damn unpretty. I used to let it make me slouch and over eat and whine. Now, I am sexy for me. Yeah, I miss sex a zillion times a day, but I no longer think think his "frigedness", if men can be that is My issue.
I know that I am not willing to live in a sexless marriage, that is what children and roommates are for. If we should reconcile, that would have to be healed first or I know that I would be soon be resentful and cranky again.
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
What struck me about this post was the part about whining and slouching. I do that sometimes and that is MY issue. Today I was happy and strolling confidently into a store at lunch and I enjoyed the positive reactions I saw. My H will be home from his business trip tonight and my goal is not to "deflate" in front of him. If I can do that he might just remember that I am sexy. If he doesn't I'll just have to HOM and know that I am anyway.
