I was sexually abused by a step-father and my brother as a kid. I was VERY religious as a kid, had the whole sexual guilt thing going, was pretty sure I was going to burn in hell, etc., etc. From the revolving door of marriages my mother had, to abusive BFs in high school and college... I can say that men were not real high on my 'like' list. As a matter of fact, they were probably rated #1 or #2 on my SHIIT List.
I thought I hated sex, too. I thought I was built cheap. I thought there was something wrong with me. I don't know that I was ever as fridgid as your W, but I can certainly understand right where she is mentally.
YOU are not her enemy. SEX is not her enemy. Her being STUCk in her old beliefs, her old ways, her misconceptions, her anger... those things are her enemies... she just doesn't know it.
It takes a lot to get over those things. I didn't want to lose my marriage. The fear of that was greater than my fear of self-confrontation, men and sex. I had to do it, and it was a B!TCH.
But lo and behold, I found out that:
1) I do NOT hate men in general. I hate azzholes. They can be men or women.
2) I do NOT hate sex. I hate duty sex. So I stopped having duty sex. I had to participate in the whole act to stop it, which meant I had to figure out what I sexually liked. Wow, what an eye opener!!
3) I found out through my self discovery that many of the preferences and feelings I had were NOT mine, but belonged to the church, my family, etc., etc., and I didn't agree with a lot of that. Who knew?
4) I found out that repressing and denying myself for so long contributed to my lack of sex-esteem.
Your wife is not broken. She choses to remain STUCK. Have you considered one of those Marriage Encounter Weekends some people have talked about on here? You need help to get her to a point where she is willing to self-confront. I can't tell you how terrifying it is. I think Liliperl was the one who compared it to like, fear of spiders and how people get over phobias.
