I have to respond to this one. Or really, I have a question.
Our sexual histories are posted elsewhere, but I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes here just to be sure we’re on the same page. W had one serious BF in high school. They dated for two years and although they never had IC, she did give him HJ’s and he did oral on her. This all came about through pressure from him. He wanted more, but she wouldn’t. My story is actually very similar. I had one serious GF. We were quite sexually active, and she was the aggressor at each level. We went beyond kissing when she took my hand and put it on her boob. The next step was when she stuck her hand between my legs while we were at a movie. Once she got us there, we f*cked like bunnies two or three times a day.
That brings me to W. We met in college. We were both fairly religious, both felt guilty about our earlier sexual liaisons, and both had committed to remaining celibate until we got married. Once we got M, I was ready for some sex, but W wouldn’t/couldn’t. I won’t rehash everything here, but I was very gentle and understanding, but nothing we tried ever worked. W was just repulsed by the whole thing. She said that had she known that she was this way, she never would have married. Right from the beginning, our SL was in the dumper. After a few abortive attempts during the first few months of marriage, it rapidly went to the once a month pattern where I would go down on her and then she would give me a not too enthusiastic HJ. It was 12 years before we ever had IC – she was trying to get PG. And it worked the first month. After that, it was back to the pattern.
A couple of years after that, we separated, mostly over sex, got into C, and got back together. We were back into the old pattern with the only exception being that instead of the HJ, I got laid about twice a year. It was duty sex, but it was sex. During our several years in C, I found out that she hates men and I learned about the alleged abuse by her brother, but she still refused to discuss sex. Being the smart guy that I am, I took what I had and crafted a scenario wherein W grew up in a family where women are second class citizens and developed a dislike for men. Her brother made sexual advances, and she mentally and emotionally over-reacted. Then BF kept pushing her for sex. That reinforced her feelings about men and sex, and threw guilt into the mix when she at least partially gave in.
This attitude toward sex certainly predated me, and since she refused to even discuss it, I was thinking trauma. It was obviously causing her some level of emotional pain as evidenced by the comment about never marrying. Yet it was so serious that she wouldn’t do anything about it, wouldn’t talk to me about it, and in the face of seeing her 14-year marriage collapse, wouldn’t even talk to the C about it. It had to be trauma.
But then yesterday Honeypot mentioned immaturity. And today, you said, “bad interaction habits and poor behaviors that had become encrusted and solidified”. You said, “barriers we had erected to protect ourselves”. Could it really be that simple? Could it be barriers that she erected to protect herself from her brother and her horny BF and has never allowed herself to break down? That would certainly fit with my contention that there is a passionate, sensuous W in there somewhere.
I really don’t know what I’m asking here, but I feel like I’m on the cusp of discovering something. Does this rambling inspire you to offer anything more?
