Quote: Does anyone else have trouble feeling that you're sexy when the person you want to make you feel that way just doesn't seem to be interested? I know there are a lot of things that I can do just for me, but that just doesn't seem to be possible with this.
I have to tell you that it is possible. I wouldn't have believed it a year ago, but at this point I would say overcoming this POV has been my greatest success. Did you regard yourself as a sexy person before your SSM? Did other partners regard you as sexy? If you invited the milkman into your bedroom this morning, would he regard you as a sexy woman? If you posted a picture of yourself all "dolled up" on this BB or described one of your best sex "recipes" would the HD guys start drooling? If you went to VS and splurged a bit and checked yourself out in the mirror, would that help?
Part of the problem might be that you are semi-consciously making yourself unsexy in order to better emotionally cope with your situation. For instance, you might be telling yourself that there's no point in buying attractive nightgowns because then you might hope for attention and be hurt when you don't get it. Or you might tell yourself that it's a waste of money to get your legs waxed because nobody's going to touch your legs besides you. Or you might enjoy reading erotica, but you avoid it because you don't want to get all hot and bothered with no companion but yourself. If this sounds like you, then the reason that you feel unsexy is that you are an HDW swaddling yourself from pain or fear in LD behavior. This is a way of avoiding confrontation.
When I went to my HS reunion this summer, I wore a sexy dress and I didn't hide the fact that I was wearing a sexy dress from my H. This drove him crazy and sparked a confrontation. I could have dressed more conservatively or less attractively or I could have snuck out of the house before he could see what I was wearing and avoided the confrontation but I didn't. The result was I felt like I looked great at my reunion and enjoyed the attention I got from my middle-aged nerd former classmates and I didn't violate my integrity by being dishonest and sneaking out. My H was left home to contemplate why he didn't want to have sex with me and why the fact that he didn't have sex with me made him nervous when confronted with the fact that others might find me sexy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
