Thanks to all. This board, and all of you, has been an island of sanity in my insane life. You have all given me great advice.
Last night, predictably, more sh!t was thrown in my direction. She called me on her way home and presented me with this analogy:
"What if I asked you to stand on the edge of a 500 foot cliff, look down, sit down, and dangle your legs over the side."
Understand that fear of unprotected heights is one of, perhaps my biggest, fear.
I told her that it wasn't the best analogy, but that I would try to work with it. I asked her, first, whether doing this would help make her feel loved, and whether not doing it would leave her feeling a lack of connection between us. She said, assume that is the way I feel. I told her that I would try my hardest, knowing how important it was to her, to comply. I told her that I would see a psychiatrist, or even a hypnotist, to get over my fear of heights.
She said, "are you telling me to go to a hypnotist to increase my sex drive?" Sigh.
"No, I'm telling you that, in the context of your analogy, I would try every option to overcome my shortcomings, in order to help you feel loved." More pointless discussion followed.
Later on, I went downstairs where she was watching TV and sat next to her. She took my hand and held it for a while. She said, "I wish you knew that I loved you."
"I do know that you love me."
"I don't think you believe it," she said. Once again, knowing better of what is in my head than I do, apparently.
"I think the problem is that we have different definitions of love, and especially, marital love," I said. Thereafter followed the usual discussion of how, if I just relaxed, it would just happen, me denying that and saying that I have tried that and nothing improved, and her saying that I never really relaxed, etc., once again, her knowing more about my thoughts than I do.
I saw the conversation going the same way it always does and said that we should just stop this and save it for the MC. That shut her up for about 5 minutes.
W: I wish you could just be happy with our marriage the way it is. Why do I have to be the one to increase my sex drive? Why can't you just take a pill or get hypnotized to decrease yours?
H: The anti-depressant I'm on has helped that somewhat already, as has age, and the general situation of not having sex.
W: Well maybe you need to decrease it more.
H: Why aren't you willing to make an effort?
Whereafter she said that she'd taken herbal supplements (we all know how magical they work), talked to a doctor about it (once), and just tried to be "more aware" of when she becomes aroused, per the advice of Michele in TSSM. She also said that, if we divorced, where would I be then? Would I find another woman who would tolerate my ex, my kids, etc? I told her that was my problem, not hers.
She also said that scheduled sex would not work because she can't just WILL herself to be aroused. She said that I couldn't expect her to perform on schedule. I once again said that we should stop trying to work on this ourselves, as we were just hurting one another, and should save our issues for MC. I then went up to bed.
And yes, predictably, she came up, an hour and a half later, and started talking to the sleeping Hairdog. I told her not to do this, but she continued, and I didn't respond to anything she said, including "sometimes you act like such a child" (bingo...my fault in that I tolerated her treating me like a child for too long).
This morning, when I went up to say goodbye, she gave me a big hug, and also just called me to share something she had heard on NPR about price gouging. She, at turns, is affectionate, pleasant, angry, stubborn, downright hateful, worried, etc.
I've been HOM okay. I am willing to go to MC (and think it's a great idea to go separately before jointly) and try to work this out. But I am resolute: I will not live in a sexless marriage indefinitely.
