Thanks Corri, and thanks, lilliepearl for sharing your view. I am nothing if not persistent. I will do my best to save this marriage for my daughter's sake and for my sake. There may come a time when it will be time for us to split...it may be after the first MC session. It may be later.
It may be never.
Remember, Lillie, the great thing about hitting your head repeatedly against a brick wall is how good it feels when you stop.
I feel for ya, hd, I really do. I'd be interested in answers to this part of my earlier post
Quote: At some point, hd, you have to ask yourself (and I'm sure you have) what does "saving the marriage" look like? At its BEST, how close did this marriage ever come to the R you want? I don't mean how close did it come to the R of your dreams, your fantasy R, but how close to a reasonably happy, practical, livable R? And how long did that period last?
Of course you are. Round one is the most exhilarating, and often uses the most energy.
Two things.
Stop using the word 'divorce' and the word 'leave' in the context of the relationship for now.
Secondly, my push for you to try is for many reasons, but most importantly for you, if you exit without a hard effort, you will have regrets. If you exit after a good effort, even with a bloody nose, you will feel like you tried your best. This is important for you later, and important for later potential relationships.
As much as is possible, don't use damaging words with your wife, no matter how angry you are. Be firm and somber, but kind. Don't yell.
Hang in there HairDog.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I feel for where you are at and I am sure you do feel very wrung out.
After following your threads for a long time I know I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, though not to the drastic degree that you have.
I think the one thing you have to face is that your wife is very controlling. Probably like my W, if you told her she was, she would deny it. She does not see herself as controlling at all.
Now I don't know how often you two bring up divorce. I don't think as often as in my household...
But this is the ultimate attempt for control. She knows, because of your persistence, that she is "losing" control. So now she calls you up and lays on you, "I've talked with my former employer... Are you going to fight me over DD3?"
I really think she is at a crucible and I would call her on it.
Yes, I am going to fight for my rights with DD3. I have every intention to remain as a father in our daughters life.
Period, end of statement.
Let her make the choice to progress that further. I suspect she won't. I have had the divorce threatened to me over things so many times, and earlier in our M I used to cave on whatever the issue was. All that did was show her that this was a successful tactic in her effort to control me. Once I finally "called her bluff" did I realize that she was indeed bluffing all that time. Now it took me getting to the point where I didn't care anymore if she filed or not for me to do that. but now after I have, I see it for what it is. This does not mean that my W has stopped that tactic altogether, but I don't fold as soon as she plays that card like I used to.
I understand what NOP is trying to tell you, and the one place where I totally agree with him is that you've really just started, things could get very interesting from here.
You were just expecting yourself to get to the crucible of either moving downstairs or moving out entirely.
She just took herself to a crucible before you...
If I were you, I'd let it play out. You have already been considering ending this or at least moving out... She just advanced it, I'd let her make that decision... Hmmm... split up the family, move away or... heaven forbid, work at having a loving physical and emotional relationship with HairDog...
Wow, man, what a day! At least now you've got her talking!! No matter what the outcome of this is, you'll certainly come out of this a stronger man - that shows through here loud and clear. You've been able to stand up to her in ways you never could have a few months ago.
You are headed in the RIGHT direction. I'd have given up sex for a YEAR with my wife if she'd agree to go to marriage counseling. Instead I'm facing moving day on Saturday.
