I feel for where you are at and I am sure you do feel very wrung out.
After following your threads for a long time I know I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, though not to the drastic degree that you have.
I think the one thing you have to face is that your wife is very controlling. Probably like my W, if you told her she was, she would deny it. She does not see herself as controlling at all.
Now I don't know how often you two bring up divorce. I don't think as often as in my household...
But this is the ultimate attempt for control. She knows, because of your persistence, that she is "losing" control. So now she calls you up and lays on you, "I've talked with my former employer... Are you going to fight me over DD3?"
I really think she is at a crucible and I would call her on it.
Yes, I am going to fight for my rights with DD3. I have every intention to remain as a father in our daughters life.
Period, end of statement.
Let her make the choice to progress that further. I suspect she won't. I have had the divorce threatened to me over things so many times, and earlier in our M I used to cave on whatever the issue was. All that did was show her that this was a successful tactic in her effort to control me. Once I finally "called her bluff" did I realize that she was indeed bluffing all that time. Now it took me getting to the point where I didn't care anymore if she filed or not for me to do that. but now after I have, I see it for what it is. This does not mean that my W has stopped that tactic altogether, but I don't fold as soon as she plays that card like I used to.
I understand what NOP is trying to tell you, and the one place where I totally agree with him is that you've really just started, things could get very interesting from here.
You were just expecting yourself to get to the crucible of either moving downstairs or moving out entirely.
She just took herself to a crucible before you...
If I were you, I'd let it play out. You have already been considering ending this or at least moving out... She just advanced it, I'd let her make that decision... Hmmm... split up the family, move away or... heaven forbid, work at having a loving physical and emotional relationship with HairDog...
