I'm going to stick with the "it's time to get out," POV, if only because I'm the only one who feels this way, and I feel this POV should be represented.
At some point, hd, you have to ask yourself (and I'm sure you have) what does "saving the marriage" look like? At its BEST, how close did this marriage ever come to the R you want? I don't mean how close did it come to the R of your dreams, your fantasy R, but how close to a reasonably happy, practical, livable R? And how long did that period last?
What is the MOST that you can hope for if you decide to "save the marriage"? More years and years of negotiating? Your W doesn't have half the willingness of the most difficult partners on this board (my bf included). If you're like me, you're not getting any younger, and you'd like to be able to look forward to a reasonable amount of happiness before you die.
YOU CANNOT REASON WITH HER BECAUSE HER POINT OF VIEW IS NON-RATIONAL. IT COMES FROM A PLACE INSIDE HER THAT IS NOT ACCESSIBLE TO LOGIC AND REASON.
It comes from a feeling place, but she will not share her feelings and has made that place inaccessible, too.
I say the time for trying to figure out what she wants, where she's coming from, etc., is over. I think moving OUT is the only thing that will get her attention.
I agree that she's feeling the heat. Now's the time to turn on all the burners and let her call the fire department.
Edited to add: our posts crossed. By all means go to a counselor. But going to a C is the beginning of the struggle, not the end. The day an alcoholic goes to his first AA meeting is the beginning of the biggest battle of his life.
I'm reminded of a quote from Winston Churchill at a critical point in WWII: "This is not the end, or even the beginning of the end, but by the grace of God, it may be the end of the beginning."
