Brother/sister marriages, especially with younger people, have a very high rate of divorce. Going through life without sex...that's an awful long time. Doesn't matter if she believes that one or not...it is a fact. Out of 10 married people I know...close friends, my sisters, semi-close workmates who are willing to talk about it, only one is a brother/sister marriage, and it is not a happy one. In fact, this woman I know is having an affair. Her and her H have not had sex in 7 years and while they used to argue about it, the subject never comes up now. She told me now, if he approached her, she has no desire for him at all and actually cringes at the thought...that too can happen in time if differences are not addressed in some way. She only stays because she is now 56 and doesn't want to suffer financially. I'm not condoning affairs, but that is what happens sometimes with a marriage like this. Younger people typically get out at some point...but I've really never known or heard of anyone being so adamant about sex as your W. Sure there are people like her...but she is not the norm. I'm not staying all of those 10 people don't have problems within their M, but they do have a sex life with their spouses...more than likely a normal sex life that they can live with.
Morning, Dog. I am proud that you expressed your feelings honestly, and without anger. You did good!
I also honed on a the part about her saying you'd act like a little boy when there was a dry spell in your dating days.... and a huge lightbulb went off for me. Dog, if (lack of) sex was present before marriage..... well, naturally it would continue and worsen! you missed a huge red flag, signaling what your future would be like with this woman!
I did the same thing-- there were red flags about sex when I was not yet married to my wasband... I wanted sex more than he did, he made a comment about not wanting to do something if it was "expected"-- it was a long time ago. But it escalated to passive aggressive withholding of sex.
Looking back I can see the red flags clearly, but hell, at the time I was 21 and naive. I did the best I could. But, I can sure do better NOW!
Anyway, this not wanting sex may well be part of the "package" deal you signed up for in Mrs Hairdog. This would explain why she has dug her heels in so deeply; you accepted it at the beginning, she thought it was "settled".
I think you better hold your ground pretty firmly now if you are to have any chance of improving the situation you're in.
As for her remark that most marriages are like being siblings? I know that's the case sometimes, but not the good ones, not the ones that last. It's very sad when that's the case, very sad indeed. IF that's truly what she wants, you have another discussion to have-- one that maybe should have occurred much sooner (ie before you got serious) but better late than never. You two need to sit down and determine what it is you are looking for out of the marriage, relationship! I'm beginning to think the lists are quite different.
I seriously doubt she will file for divorce, at least not yet. She is testing you to see if you will back down and go back to the status quo (however you spell that lol) She will probably act all mad towards you now for a while. Maybe NOP could chime in here. I would be straight forward with her if she asks questions. If she doesn't bring it up I would be like I always have been towards her until it comes up again. Don't know if I would move to the basement just yet, but what do I know.
I'm not sure that I am one to be handing out advice right now, so take it however...
I think what your wife is referring to when she speaks of the 'in love' feeling for 18 months is the lustful, butterflies in your belly feeling. That is actually an accurate study that has been done. Whatever those chemicals are that give us those 'physical yearnings' last for approximately 12 to 24 months.
What your wife is missing, however, is the emotional connection which takes place in those 12 to 24 months which REPLACE the physical yearnings, allowing two people to weave together a more intimate and solid relationship.
I don't mean to chuckle, but I'd love to see your W and my H in a room talking about intimacy. That'd be a hoot. You and I could sit ring side together and eat our popcorn. I imagine our heads going back and forth, back and forth, like watching a tennis match. We could place bets and everything...
Anyway, by the snippet's of the convos you've been posting, I see you are getting better at staying on task with 'the issue at hand,' but when she starts turning your words, you have to back track to try and straighten her out, and she just continues to dilute and confuse the convo. When she does this, try to remember your original statement or question. If she deflects, say, 'well get back to that in a minute,' and repeat statement or question. Do NOT argue deflection points.
Obviously, your W is stuck in her own POV. I know that feeling. Your wife is stuck with the understanding that you just need her to get your rocks off. She sees a sex act as degrading for her, rather than a mature expression of trust, communication and intimacy between a husband and wife.
My advice to you is to not let up on this issue. Not now. She is getting 'meaner' because you are getting closer and closer to breaching all of her defenses. Keep pushing.
Hairy, Did you ever notice the pattern here? Maybe you should point it out to her..
She initiates a sex conversation in which she blames you for her unwillingness to compromise. You take it all in..sputter out a few of your ideas..she shuts you down and it's all over. Then a few days or a week elapses and she baits you into saying that you love her...or reassuring her in some way that you still love her and find her attractive.
She ALWAYS comes back at you for this reassurance.
Honeypot is on to something there. I don't think that Mrs. HD wants a D but she does want to have her cake and eat it too. She wants all the affirmation and demonstrative loving from you without getting too close. She wants to be petted and loved with very low expectations of her. She also gets the joy of the intellectual battle with you - she is intelligent and needs that in her life. She wants all of that and to keep up her own shield of defense too. Well, it doesn't work that way. Marriage is about reducing your defenses with each other. That sister/brother deal is CRAP. Hang on HD and think about what you can do with her need for reassurance and intellectual stimulation from you.
hdog... I'm sure all of us reading your convos with W felt the hair stand up on the backs of our necks! I agree with whoever said they've never seen someone dig their heels in like she does. She sounds more stubborn and resistant than any of the resistant partners on this board. I wonder what on earth she is gaining by being this way. Pride is one thing... but this is off the chart.
I'm going to go on record as saying, "I think it's time for you to move to the basement and start looking for an apartment in the neighborhood."
I just had to say it, to get it off my chest.
As hp says, she seems to be baiting you. You're like a tethered bear that she comes at periodically to get a rise out of you. Maybe it's time to break the tether.
HD said: --------- I think now would be a pretty good time to move to the basement...give her some room, some time to think. ---------
ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
WRONG!!
Why in the hell would you want to separate from her when the repair has just started?
Man, this is kickoff, not the end of the game.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
annette said: ------------- She will probably act all mad towards you now for a while. -------------
You are very right, annette, and it is to be completely expected. No one goes through a major marital adjustment without anger. Par for the course.
The key to working through it is consistency and kindness - not being a doormat.
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
