Before I forget, thanks, Lillie, for that great re-framing of the convo.
You're not going to believe what happened last night. (No, I didn't get laid.)
I went to bed early. W came up about 20 minutes later and I was already drifting. W: You never say "I love you" anymore. H: Huh? W: I don't think you love me. You never tell me you love me anymore. H: Are you joking with me? W: No. H: Well, I will try to remember to say it more often. W: That's the problem...that you have to remember to say it more often.
And that's it. I woke up this morning and remembered it as I was taking a shower, and laughed out loud. How I wanted to tell her, "I'll start telling you I love you when you are comfortable with me NOT telling you I love you. Until then, you'll just have to KNOW that I love you."
Can anyone say "irony"?
And then I thought, "what if this is all some sort of test, some sort of trap?" Like, she's trying to make a point. Then, I suppose, I would be angry at her for 1) lying to me when I asked her if she was joking with me; 2) comparing her fake complaint with my very real complaint.
Can anyone say "overanalyzing"? Actually, as you all well know, you can never overanalyze when dealing with Ms.Hdog.
I'm just really spinning this morning. Part of me is amused that she is genuinely upset about this, part of me is disgusted with myself becaused I'm amused at some pain that my loved one is enduring, part of me is anxious to show her the irony of her complaint, part of me is suspicious that it's all a trap. And yes, part of me wants to hold her, kiss her, tell her I love her. And, as always, part of me wants to boink her (some things never change).
The part of me that wants to kiss her and tell her I love her is very aware of recent words of advice on this board about my over-tolerance, and my need to assert myself and not seem weak.
---- several minutes later --------
She just called. This is gonna be a long post. She asked me about the "love you" thing, and said that either I wasn't saying it because I didn't love her, because I loved her but just didn't say it very often, or because I was trying to make a point by not saying it until she started ML with me. I told her it was the 2nd one, that I had decided well over a year ago that my saying "I love you" at the end of every conversation was minimizing its importance. Fine.
BUT, then I said,
H: It went through my mind to say to you 'I'll tell you I love you when you're comfortable with me NOT saying I love you. W: That would be pretty crappy. H: Yeah. But similar in logic to your statement to me. W: Not similar at all. ML is like a 10, and saying ILY is like a 1. (I think she was talking about significance of the act, but I'm not sure).
She went on to talk about how I need to be comfortable with her saying no.... And, I just happened to have Lillie's post on my pc. I told her just what it said.
She did not react well, although her reaction was as I expected...talked about moving, divorce, etc.
She really twisted my words around...she does this very subtly at first. She said that she felt that sex was more important to me than love, when she would turn me down early in the relationship, and I would act like a "hurt little boy." I don't know exactly when I acted like this, but I'm assuming it's her perception of how I acted when a month or two had gone by with no action. And damn it, I probably was a little pissed when this happened...especially after I felt committed (trapped) in the relationship.
So she asked if I would ever feel comfortable if she said no. I told her that, if we were having sex on a regular basis, i.e. once a week, and two weeks had gone by without, and I initiated to get turned away by her, that yes, I might feel uncomfortable. I said this in the context of life as we know it. She then began to twist, saying that then she would never be able to say no without me being pissy about it, even if we were having sex once a week. I kept on trying to bring her back to the statement I had made.
I did suggest the Once a week schedule again, as a tool to begin to feel comfortable with each other again, and she poo-pooed it, saying she didn't need a schedule, that she would have sex when she felt like it. I asked her, "If you don't like once a week, what would you suggest?" She went back to "when I feel like it....I don't need or want a schedule. I'm not a Stepford Wife."
By the end of the conversation, she was saying that we should just end it now, as she would never be able to live up to my expectations. I said, I think we can work on this, but that I didn't think she was willing to put in the effort to do so.
The convo ended pretty abruptly when she had to take care of DD3.
