Got a question for you...when your W says she's "working on it". Do you ever tell her that's not an answer to your question? That, it's far too vague an answer to be an answer?
I've learned with my H that there are many times I have to call him on the carpet so-to-speak about his answers to my questions. He often retreats to the safe answer zone as I refer to it, or the non-committal answers. Her "working on it" response falls right into those categories. "Working on it?"....working on what exactly?
I used to ask my H to tell me what he likes in bed (to attempt to arouse him)...he always said "I don't know...I like everything you've been doing." Gee, now that's helpful. Finally, one day I asked him that same question outside of the bedroom, just during a conversation we were having. I got the same "I don't know"....but this time he added "as I learn what I like I'll tell you." This gave me the perfect opening to encourage "scheduled sex"...because I was able to say..."if we don't ML how will you learn what you like in order to tell me?" He couldn't argue with that; now we are having sex weekly (well pretty much weekly) LOL. I've got to tell you...since we've instituted that things are improving steadily for us.
I've learned (with my H anyway) to tell him..."that's not an answer to what I asked" when he'd give me those vague answers. When I first started doing that it made my H very uncomfortable naturally...I was challenging him to get out of his safe zone. But I've learned to tell him things like..."if you don't know the answer right this second, think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow night (if I left it up to him to pick the time to get back to me, he wouldn't.)" That way he knows he either needs to talk to me right now, honestly...or we're going to revisit it again tomorrow (or whatever date/time I chose). Either way...he's going to have to address the issue with me....and, I'm not being unreasonable with him. I'm willing to give him the time/space to think about the issue if he needs it.
I don't know if this approach would work with your W or not, but I've consistently been using this approach over the last six months. My H is now talking to me more openly whenever an issue is broached...he doesn't avoid discussions with me nearly as often...and he's becoming much less uncomfortable discussing anything with me.
Granted, we have a long way to go to get to the SR I'd like to have. But there are a few things I've learned for sure over the last 12 months, I try to keep these things in mind and they've really helped me.
#1 If you don't consistently (that's the key word) communicate your needs clearly (no euphamisms or sugar-coating to avoid hurt feelings) to your spouse you won't get what you want. #2 Expect to have to communicate what you want clearly to your spouse over and over again. It often takes reiterating what you want in the above fashion for your spouse to really hear you and take you seriously. #3 Learn to recognize, affirm, and support any changes towards the positive your spouse may be attempting to make no matter how small. (This has been a BIG help to me for getting through the tough, discouraging, set-back periods.) #4 Expect that this is not going to be easy. There will be up's & down's...roll with the punches.
Sorry to make this so long, just felt inspired to let it out I guess
