I am not going to pretend that I am perfect in any way. And believe me I have taken a look at some of the things that I might have done to cause H to feel unhappy in our R. Although it is hard to initiate change, I do believe that I have changed some of the things that H might have been unhappy about and it is making me a better person for it. I used to be a very rigid person, a spontaneous weekend trip would have been out of the question, but I have learned since this, that sometimes it is fun to just pick up and go and do whatever without an exact plan. That is just one change that I have implemented in my life, among others. Everyone has room for improvement in their lives and unfortunately it takes a dramatic event to usually bring that on because you cant always see what you are doing is wrong. Yes the past few weeks, I have bitched about what is going on, but that is what this place is here for, a place for me to feel free to express my thoughts and not necessarily let them be known to H (begging, pleading, etc). Once I found out about H's internet relationships at first I gave him the space he needed in our home and by doing that he started being nasty and thought nothing of spending all of his time on computer talking to OW. He even stopped picking our daughter up from daycare just to spend time with OW on computer. It started to get really bad. Then I decided that I was going to save our marriage long before finding this site. I did not focus on OW, I focused on spending quality time with H and D and making our summer one to remember, which I think I was sucessfull at because H moved back home on his own accord. But with him moving back home I am entitled to have some expectations that OW would not be part of his life (3k miles away or not). So forgive me for struggling somedays with living with EA right under my nose. And honestly I do not care if OW knows that I delete her messages, there are over 200 of them a month according to the cellphone bill.
I do know that H is torn now between the two lives. In fact he has been to the doctor and it is possible that he has an ulcer. To me a red flag that he is not meant to lead this double life. I know that I cannot force him into doing what I want and that it has to be a decision of his own, But I do not have to sit back and be a doormat. Believe me I am joyfull when he is around (mainly because I am happy to spend time with him..I often forget about OW when we are together), I do alot of things for him when he is not around. I come here to vent, for support, and advice. This past week I did major backsliding in terms of begging and pleading, but like anyone, we have our days when we make mistakes. I just keep trying to pick myself up off the ground and try again, not just for me, but for our family.
I appreciate your advice. My ultimate goal here is to save my marriage, otherwise I would not be here. So thank you. I know that this week was not a good one for me, so I am trying the best I can as each day presents itself.
