But actually to answer your question more directly:
YES. The more important things are the ones you want to do this with!!..........Not listening when your H says ham not bologna is not fatal to your marriage....at least if things are that bad, what you do won't matter much at all at the moment. ....................HOWEVER,
When a spouse has something important to tell, share, or confess.... THESE are the times when you most need your core of inner strength. The one that lets you listen to the MOST disturbing news.(Like I'm going to a B&B with my OW!!)
Is it easy .....NO.
But married, separated or divorced, these are the times that will determine the outcome of your relationship.
Yes, it will take a HUGE amount of self control to "Not React".. to whatever they have to tell you.......but if your marriage is ever going to stand a chance....it is vital.
Do You mean if you were "D" you would be able to detach yourself from the emotional impact of his words better than if you were still married or seperated???
Maybe, but
Well, the point is you need to become DETACHED in order to save your marriage................BEFORE you end up seperated or divorced.
If you can accomplish this...it sends the message to your spouse that you care more about "HIS" feelings than you do about your own.......(Believe me there WILL come a time when you will be able to talk about your feelings about this...in fact it will come when he feels most safe and secure with you....which doing the listening now will encourage.)
Which is the point.
Usually they are LONG convinced that YOU don't care as much about THEM but rather you have IGNORED their feelings to the point where they go elsewhere looking for understanding.
If you have read DB or DR you will undoubtledly come across a section about "Acting As If".......
"As If" in this case means, that you care about what they are saying to you. It means you act as if you are mature and caring enough to want to hear what they have to say without taking out your rage, anger, fear, uncertaintly or whatever else you are feeling on THEM!
That you are putting them FIRST in this instance.... That you will put aside your own pain and try and see theirs.
This tells them in an extremely profound way (without saying it) that they matter... That their feelings and thoughts come first....(perhaps something the OW has been doing!!!!??????)
Now, Lord knows you aren't made of stone.
This is going to hurt.
But YOU have other ways to deal with your feelings......
Like friends, councelors, the BB here, walking, exercising, work, hobbies...a million things that help you "get through".....
The next point is..... You're trying to foster trust here.
Trust, that they can tell you their real feelings and thoughts.
No matter what they are.
You have the upper hand in a way....
NO "OW" is going to be THAT unselfless!!!!!! For very long.
THEY are going to start having their own needs and demands, and to be putting these upon your H!
But not you.
You are going to be strong, confident and caring.
Understanding. Patient. Supportive.
Yes, you have feelings and you don't have to suppress everything, but you can say something that lets them know you heard what they said and will consider what they said...and thanks them for sharing.
That's it. sweet and simple...only talking about what they want to tell you...no prying.
"Thank you for sharing, it means alot to me."
This sort of statement in no way demeans how YOU feel, OR gives appproval for what they are doing. It just says you are listening and understand and are not judging. But you are also not being a doormat for them.
Your positiveness, courage and spirit will win out every time.
Who could think less of a person who shows soooo much class and and self assuredness!!??
You will be the calm and security in a sea of uncertainty.
Be assured that inside he is a raging sea of uncertainty. About most everything. Himself. His family. His faith. The OW. His friends. Look what he's doing!! How could you think anyone who is behaving the way he is has much certainty AT ALL!!
No matter what he SAYS.....it is a false bravado. This front he puts on that says:
"I know what I want and this is it!"
Maybe another way to look at this is to say:
if I had something to tell my spouse and knew he was going to be angry at me...would I WANT to tell him? If he yelled and threatened me when I told him would I want to share MORE?????
Probably not.
You have to be willing to NOT punish the person for doing what YOU WANT THEM TO DO. TELL THE TRUTH.
....................HOWEVER,
