My H left about a year ago for PA with woman he works with. Started as a friendship and EA. You can check my thread H CAME HOME LAST NIGHT AFTER 6 MONTHS for background. After being S for 6 months he came home. After several months of ups and downs things were going great. He still works with OW and its difficult to accept some days but another job has not been option for us. I realize that he continues to have connection with OW because of work and keep reminding myself that he is home with my everynight. Here were I need help. We had a great Christmas, kids are happy things are going well. On New years eve spending time with friends my H leaves my side 2 minutes after midnight. I had sinking feeling in my stomach (which actually has been for a couple of days). Anyway I followed H and went to window to see him on the phone. Long story short, he was calling OW to wish Happy New Year. He denied at first but after major blow out finally the truth comes out. I have a problem with this and realize he still has feelings for OW. Then yesterday I find a reciept for gold jewelry which I didnt receive for Christmas. I think H bought her a present. I believe H is lying to me. He wants to start fresh, he wants to save his family, he says it wont happen again ( Has said that before since being home). I cant get past it. I am seriously considering calling it quits. What do I do. Forget it and move on?? Please help
I'm hesitant to even write what my intial thoughts are...saying that should give you a clue what I believe I'd do in your shoes...
however...
not being in your shoes the answer truly has to come from you.
can you live with things the way they are? is it honestly impossible for h to get another job or to not see ow at his job?
In any case happy new year to you and a slap to h for being so foolish as to call ow on new years eve...as if you wouldn't notice. But then again if he hadn't been so foolish you may still be in the dark of wishfull thinking in regard to their r.
Well the New Year came in with a real bang. After finding out H left my side to call OW at 12:02 the world fell apart. I realized that his "friendship" with her was continuing and while I am inclined to believe there as been no PA since July ( because H is always around) I still have my doubts. I called OW Sat am and asked her nicely to stay out of our life. She asked why is it my fault and I said because you are calling another womans husband on NY Eve. After a lengthly conversation it became even more apparent that this thing continues. I came home and told H I am tired of lies etc. He says its nothing more than friendship and he will end it but is worried about job etc. So about an hour later I checked his message on his cell phone and it was from OW. It was a 3 minute message about how much she loves him and will do anything to be with him and knows hes going through a tough time but "we" will get through it together. I confront H who just 30 minutes ago tells me OW knows there is no hope because he has moved home etc etc. What the HECK (not the word I chose) is going on. This guy clearly as a problem. He's begging me not to leave begging me to give it a try, tells me he loves me so much and he is so sorry. Leaves to go to her house and tell her he is tired of living two lives... etc etc.c. Asks me to give it a try. I told him I was not going to make any decision either way at this point. Later I check his phone again and message from OW says.. you had no right coming over here and taking it out on me... I know you have "issues " right now but its not my fault and did you really think this could continue like this. So for the first time H was telling me some truth that he did go over there. I know I shouldnt be checking messages etc etc. but its the only way I know whats going on and I have nothing to lose at this point. IF H wants out he can have it, but he doesnt which is what I cant figure out. Why would he risk our marriage and reconciliation. Things were going great and we were back on track. He really was living two lives and tells because it was difficult to end with her and she is obsessed. Might be some truth to that but not much. Anyway he goes to work today. Says he will share emails with me that she sends but I dont beleive he will do that. He doesnt have the guts. Says he will quit job but quitting job with nothing else will just add pressure to our relationship and will that really solve the problem I dont know what the problem is anymore. So I am going to wait and see what happens the next few days. I think I can get past all this if I want to but I dont want to until I am 100% sure H is telling truths. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
PS I told H is one of our discussions that if he told me the truth I wouldnt flip out and call OW. So when I heard the first message and told H i heard it he asked if I called OW. I said no... I made you a promise tha I can hanlde the truth" So I pat myself on the back for that but would love to call OW (Even though I realize it wouldnt accomplish anything
Hi KMFLA I just read your post, and it's like reading a page out of one of my threads. I don't know what to advise you, other than to take your time and observe and remember the DB slogan, "when in doubt, do nothing".
I asked my H the exact same questions last week--if he loves me and wants our M, WHY does he do this and risk it all? He just hung his head and bawled and said he made a mistake (this was in regard to the trip w/ow 2 weeks ago Wednesday) Everything else he seems to blame on me.
Really weird. The thing going for us is H has accepted all the blame. We both recognize what the issues were in the marriage prior to his being so unhappy. Funny thing is now those things seem so easy to fix and work on the and the PA and EA with OW is the problem Other thing I try to keep remembering is H did come home and clearly is with my 99% of the time and has gone out of his way to prove to me his whereabouts and make me feel more secure about where is is and what he is doing. H keeps professing his love and how much he doesnt want to lose me and the family. He just cant be lying about all this , maybe just confused. If he didnt work with OW I think things would have faded faster. Now I dont know what to think. Just remember when your H is blaming you he is trying to reason with himself for his unacceptable actions. YUk- Sometimes I wish I went to the covent like my father wanted me too.... God rest his soul
47 and I am 46 we have been married 18 years and have two boys 10 and 17. I now realize the last two years of our marriage we were on automatic pilot. I traveled for business ,not a lot but moderately. H has always been supportive and 100% participating in family. He keeps things to himself and towards the end of last year felt like he was a single father. I always looked at him as alway being there as opposed to looking at him as someone I didnt want to lose. He works in small office with 4 people and OW is one of them. She is 37 and a single mom of a 8 and 11 year old. I think she plays the single mom, lonely etc etc really well. I actually liked her and knew her fairly well. She always came to our annual Christmas party etc etc. Now because its such a small office its a hughe problem. How foolish could they both have been
My heart goes out to you,as I know this is a most difficult time. Sounds like you have serious thinking to do, but please don't try and make sense of something that is beyond sensible.
Just a suggestion, If you haven't already, you might get a hold of a copy of DB or DR.
If you haven't already read it....do.
This is a great place to find understanding and support, so keep coming here to vent and get comfort.
Go back to basics and look at his behavior instead of listening to his words. It might help you sort out what's going on with him.
Big hug to you tonight, somehow I felt like you need one. (((((((((((((((((KMF)))))))))))))))))))))
Well its been emotional few days. I decided not to make any decisions about staying or going. I am willing to give this one last try. H has been so emotional,remorseful, saying how sorry he is and how for the last 6 months he has been home he has been living a lie. He keeps telling me it has been EA since moving home but not PA. I am putting that out of my mind because it really doesnt matter to me at this point. If we are going to move forward and this marriage is ever going to work he has to cut off all communication with OW and be honest with me. He swears he will. My S 10 went to H office yesterday for an hour or so. Last night when I was putting son to bed he mentioned H desk and pictures etc. He then tells me there is a picture on H bulleting board that OW's son drew for him. So I was bothered by it and mentioned it to H and thats when it became very emotional H said it was a while ago and he has had no involvement with OW kids and that he understands how it would upset me. He is sorry for everything in the past. I told him if he is honest with me moving forward then what happened in the past is over. I did say though if he is truly honest then things that happened in the past are about to come to light. Especially if OW gets vindictive etc. So we hugged and cryed alot. We are both scared and I wonder truly if H can be honest with me and break it off cold turkey with OW. For now I will wait and see and I will continue to snoop so I can be sure. If I find out more lies that will be the end for me as it will mean H truly cant tell me the truth. wish me luck
