It has been a very long time since I posted...so long in fact that my last thread seems to have disappeared.
As Pam's update suggested, it's been a very busy Fall/Winter for us. CJ is working nearly full time at his new post.
It HAS involved some travel, luckily (for me) it's been only to small communities around our city. Although I did have a moment when I discovered that one of them has an airport. Jeesh!
I'm now two years away from the worst of our troubles. Funny how the "anniversaries" become less and less notable. And yet they still affect me.
For example...on Dec 4th my best pal planned a night out at a karaoke bar...of course I would go!
(Not even registering that this would be the anniversary of bomb #2...there IS an OW and he's leaving for her!!! )
But the day of I felt "off", ill, cranky. At the bar I was like a caged cat...couldn't relax, couldn't have fun. Left early.
It stymies me that I didn't see the pattern before. I HATE going to bars now. Especially karaoke. It's really no wonder. Karaoke was the start of CJ's weirdess, it's where he dragged me the night he asked for the Divorce, It's where he went with this friend to get away from me and call HER.
It's where I forced myself to seem like I was having fun...dancing to "Stuck in the Middle" all by myself as CJ sang...longing for him to LOOK at me (he didn't). BTW I'd chosen that particular song as it had been one of our favourites, but I'd found it in a fond e-mail to HER.
So I've decided, no more bars for me. At least not while I feel like this...life is too short.
C.J.'s been really great these days. Helping out, decorating, and buying me a really thoughtful Christmas gift.
We'd agreed to no gifts this year, what with Nana's recent passing and all, but to my surprise he'd remembered an art deco french sculpture I'd admired months ago in an antique store and bought it for me.
I was expecting nothing (or maybe the calendar he did also give me) so I was very touched.
I wish I could report vast gains on the love making front, but alas, I cannot.
Well, that's not entirely true....A couple of months ago we had our last "discussion" of the issue.
It was a discussion in which for the FIRST TIME, CJ really felt that I GOT what he was feeling and going through...he didn't think I could, but I mirrored back to him his feelings of fear, inadequacy, need for minor physical closeness, pressure...etc.
He agreed to put this on "project status", and even picked up SSM again. Said he'd make and app't with our doc.
We had one physical encounter (not full ML), and then alas little more than hugs and passing touches .
True, he'd been out of town for 4 weeks, true my kidney'd been acting up (had to make it clear to him that if I had to wait to feel fully physically well to ML I'd never do it...I've had illness and pain for 20 years), then of course Nana....
So we'll see what the New Year brings.
Not sure what we're doing yet...perhaps a Shag (pre-wedding party...don't even know the people, but there's music, booze, food and friends there).
Perhaps my siblings will come over. Just playing it by ear...
Oh, that's funny...the other day I was wondering if I'd really changed all that much since 2-3 years ago..wondering if we might be sliding back into the "known" territories.
But just the fact that New Years isn't planned, that we may end up doing nothing and that's just fine with me, speaks volumes of this former control freak.
Take good care all of you!
Shiny
P.S. Classes don't start till the 5th so I will check in again before then!
