Quote: I did read your post and it and other similar thoughts were on my mind as I wrote my statements. I might add a line or two to personalize it but it is difficult to do without seeming vengeful or selfish.
I would not advocate writing this in a letter that you give to your spouse. It is best to do face to face, eye to eye. I would also advocate seeing the shrink first, and making sure that your anger and resentment are truly expunged before having this conversation.
There is a difference between having this conversation out of sheer frustration, and having this conversation after one has truly accepted the state of the marriage. When you can say those words with true love, you will know you are ready to say them.
The conversation of which I speak is not one where you're hoping to get your spouse to change. That doesn't work. Ever. It is a heart-to-heart discussion which tells your spouse: this is who I am, this is what I want for MY life; it has nothing to do with you. If you don't want that, I understand, I love you. But I just can't be who I am NOT, and no one has the right to ask me to be that way.
Boundaries are not threats. "If you don't do this, then I will do this." They are "I" statements. "I am a person who needs trust, communication and intimacy in my life and in my marriage. I'd like to find that with you. If you don't feel you can do that, please let me know. I will stay in this marriage as long as I am able, but I don't know how long that might be."
In this way, you throw the ball back to the spouse's court, where it belongs. They will continue to try and bounce the ball back to you, for they WANT you to carry the ball -- that way, they control you and the relationship by leaving everything up to you... they are faultless.
But when they finally understand that they are left holding the ball, and no, you are not taking it back... they make a decision. They have to. They have no choice.
This sounds very simple. It is anything but, for YOU must be rock-solid in who you are and what you want in you life because you love and respect YOURSELF.
At this point, the spouse will do one of two things. They will either change, or they will leave you. You cannot control either decision. (They could leave you right now, but why do that? You're carrying the ball)
When we realize we can't control anything but ourselves anyway (and that is very scary and difficult to admit), we realize we have no true choice but to love and respect ourselves first, and our spouses second. Otherwise, what are we truly offering them?
Quote: On the topic of shrinks I think i do have my own hesitations of seeing one due to some childhood visits over my parents divorce when I was about 7. I can't remember anything about it except a puzzle in the waiting room, but I know it left me with a bad impression and my youth went downhill shortly after.
This could be a valid instance of transference, you know. The bad feelings you had regarding your life falling apart at a very tender age is linked to the memory of the shrink, rather than your parents (for linking it to your parents would increase the pain. It's a defense mechanism).
I'm still going to encourage you to find one all on your own, right now. Much has changed in the field since you were a kid, and not all shrinks are created equal. Find one with whom you are comfortable, and keep looking until you do. Explain to them your feelings regarding shrinks so they know; there are many, many ways to find a good one.
