It sounds to me that the only thing you have not tried is setting some firm boundaries. It sounds like you did so about seven years ago, but failed to maintain your line in the sand.
Read the post I made on the 'a unique ssm' thread to Steeler15... I think it applies to you as well.
I think you should go and find a counselor right now, do not wait for your wife. Find one that will help YOU. I'm sure you understand that the only way you can change your relationship is by changing yourself. Find a good, REALLY, REALLY good shrink who can help you get rock solid with yourself. This, more than anything, will help your R (and if it doesn't, then you have at least saved yourself.)
