I'm a HDW married to a LDM. I know this now - but if you had asked me what was wrong with my marriage last week, I would have just burst into tears and said "I don't know".
I haven't read TSSM yet as I ordered it the day before Christmas Eve. So bear with me on that point, I will be devouring the book as soon as the postman brings it, I assure you.
I just want to say up front that I love my husband very much. I can't conceive of my life without him. He is the kindest person I've ever met, he's smart and ambitious and a respected person in his field. We many not be wealthy, but he does very well by us - enough so that when I was given the chance to leave work to pursue a degree in another field, I took the offer with gratitude. He's behind me 100% on this and has not once complained about the cost or the loss of one income.
The thing is, during our 16-year marriage many times I've felt more like his best friend than his wife. We have the same sense of humor, we like pretty much the same things but we do each have our own hobbies and interests. It's not like we're completely joined at the hip in a bad way, not at all. We just are two people who click - and I know how fortunate I am in that.
In the beginning of our relationship, like most I guess, we had sex quite often. Once or more a day. I loved it, as I have always been high-desire myself, and I was as happy as could be. I found THE PERFECT GUY!
After the first year though, things began to drop off rather steeply. It went from once a day to a couple of times a week, then a month, and then finally in the last couple of years we had sex maybe 6 times a year. Last year we only had sex twice.
I have spent hours, weeks, *months* of my life searching inwardly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Was I too ugly, too stupid, too boring? Not sexy enough? Not good enough in bed? Just not good enough _period_?
About five years ago I began to ask my husband to please tell me what I was doing wrong, or wasn't doing right. His answer was invariably "nothing" or "I don't know". I begged him to not say this, but to say the truth, because it was cruel to have a problem with me sexually and not to tell me what it was, as obviously there was a problem since we simply weren't having sex anywhere near what we once had, and what I thought was "normal" (like, at least a couple times a month!).
Still, all he would say is "nothing" or "I don't know" and look at me with an expression which I just couldn't read. That bothered me almost as the sex, because it was one of the few times that I couldn't understand what he was trying to say, and couldn't get him to elaborate.
The idea of him masturbating and not making love to me was torture (though I have no idea if he masturbates regularly or not, or ever did - it was just the idea). I mean, it's hard to retain even a shred of sexual self-esteem when you belivee your man prefers to jack off to your willing partnership.
When he began to talk about his new boss at work - a woman - I wondered if he was having an affair with her. After all, the old adage says "If a man doesn't get it at home, he's getting it SOMEwhere".
As the sex dropped off, so did other things. The French kiss every day when he came home from work turned into a quick peck. No more backrubs, giving or receiving. No more showers together. No more lazy evenings in bed petting the cats or watching television. No more morning snuggle time.
The lack of sex or just the touch of my beloved's hand was just a crushing weight on my shoulders. And yet, he tells me every day that he loves me. He buys me gifts. We talk about anything - other than sex - all the time. We go places and do things. When we're in public he'll hold my hand, open doors for me, just be the perfect loving gentleman. And he's pretty much the same way at home (though he does seem to have selective vision and never see the kitchen trash can is full - he has to be reminded of that!).
I was so confused. And I felt so horrible about myself that all I could think of was that he had no interest in me whatsoever, but felt pity for me and that was why he was so nice. Which of course made me feel even more worthless.
About two months ago I came right out and said that I was feeling so horrible about myself because I didn't think that he loved or wanted me anymore because we rarely had sex or shared those special touches. I asked him one more time to please tell me what was wrong and how cruel it was to not give me a chance to fix whatever it was that was broken.
But he still couldn't say. He just looked at me in silence. Not a nasty silence, but a sad one. I left the conversation feeling that my marriage was dying, if not already dead, and in despair.
Last Thursday, the day before Christmas Eve, he was going in to work late and as he prepared to get going I was in the bedroom sorting laundry. I was thinking about what I wanted most for Christmas: my husband to sleep with me. And I began to cry and just couldn't stop. It just came out in huge floods.
My husband came running into the bedroom to ask me what was wrong and everything just came spilling out - the torturous scenes that ran through my mind, the wondering about affairs, the feeling like an ugly troll that he pitied enough to stay with even though he didn't love it or want it anymore. Plus also a desire that the Earth should just open up and swallow me whole because I had humiliated myself so much by saying these things that I didn't know how I would get through the day.
And then finally he told me something that I wish he had told me a long, long time ago. He said that he loved me, that he needed me and sometimes he really did want me, it's just that he "had never had much of a sex drive" and "I've always been that way". He sat down on the bed, took me in his arms and began to cry, too.
I was stunned, not really at the revelation as the fact that he had let me suffer (and knew I was suffering) for so many years thinking it was me. But that passed because then I thought of how FREAKIN' HARD it had been for me to say, essentially, "I want to make love to you but you don't want me". How much harder for a man to admit that sex isn't on his mind 24/7, since that's how ALL men are supposed to be?
He also admitted that he had avoided more intimacy with me because he was afraid that I would "get the wrong idea". I knew just what he meant, but it made me so incredibly sad.
So I made him a promise that if he would try to be closer to me, I would not bring up sex. At all. If he wanted touches and snuggling to go on from there, he could let it but I would not press him in any way. He agreed - and in the past week he has tried, I will give him credit for that. He puts his arm around me, he rubbed my shoulders at the dinner table, he hugged me while I was cooking. That in and of itself has made me happy both because I love the feel of his touch, but also that he really *is* trying and that means a lot to me.
Anyway, after we had our conversation I went on Google and looked for "men who have a low sex drive" and I found this site. When I was reading the first chapter of TSSM I actually felt tears running down my face because here were other women WHO WERE THINKING AND FEELING THE EXACT SAME THINGS AS ME. And that gave me hope. I ordered the book then and there.
As I explored the site I came across the message boards and have been reading those voraciously. THANK YOU to all of the others here who have posted so openly about their own SSMs. You may not realize how much it helps other people, but it does as I am a living example right here.
When TSSM arrives I am going to read it and then if I have to I will follow my husband around the house READING IT ALOUD if I have to! We are going to get through this. We can work on this. I feel now that we have the love, we just must get over the shame. A totally self-imposed shame, too.
I may be back here crying my eyes out again, but I am determined to make this work. If I have to do 99.9% of the work that is fine with me. If as a beginning I can just get him to be receptive to the idea that we can compromise on this and BOTH be happier with our lives, that is all I ask. We can work on the rest as we are able.
I know this was really long, but I also know this is the ONLY PLACE I have ever seen filled with people who have been there. Like the subject, all I can say is thank god I found this place.
