Quote: Greeneyedlass Im 6 foot & 4 inches tall and weigh 260#. I have been told my size is intimidating so I try to offset my "supposed" intimidation size by not making any angry faces when dealing with stressful issues. You know, simle a little to make everyone feel better about what is being discussed.
Maybe your size is working against you in some way. I've often felt that if I was 5'2" certain possibly intimidating aspects of my personality wouldn't bother my H so much. The thing is I think you should have as much right to express yourself in a forceful manner as someone who is smaller. It's unfair for others to project their fears on to you. It's a sort of size-prejudice.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ posted {{It's unfair for others to project their fears on to you. It's a sort of size-prejudice.}}
I agree with what you say and "TRY NOT" to let what they are feeling about my size limit me.
cinemanymph asked {{ Is it possible to have the outlook of a mature woman whilst dwelling in the body of a twelve year old boy}} So I have a size perception test that I have to deal with too sometimes.
There is a concept tall men automatically have more power than short men and I see it working that way most of the time. To me tall and thin is good up to around 6 feet and a few inches. Sometimes tall and big means I have to work at relationships just a little bit more. And by the way, I was never Mr. smooth or a good sales man which is part of my problem with people.
Next book I read will probaly be "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". That might help with my Mr. Smooth image.
You know...I used to date a man who was very close to your size. Now I'm not a tiny woman...I'm 5'7"...most people assume by the fact that I have very good posture and often wear heels that I'm closer to 6"...but I know what you mean...I felt almost dwarfed by this particular person....although, he by no means was intimidating towards me.
You mentioned you use your skills from the acting class...I know whereof you speak on this too...I too used to act and in fact used those skills to get over my shyness (there's some excellent tools to utilize from the acting fields).
My point to you is this though...in order for your wife to take you seriously about this problem (and I'm really glad you're making progress) you've got to be true to yourself. If this is a serious issue for you (as it is for all of us) be serious about it...don't use pretences.
I can only draw on my experience with this man I told you about (who by the way is now a great friend of mine)...he used to try to play off the intimidating factor of his size by being really friendly...I hate to say it but all too often he came off goofy...and it was hard to take him seriously. For me anyway (and obviously I can't speak for your W) I would have much preferred for him to be himself around me...be who he really was.
You're wife has been around you for some time, she's used to your size...she should by now know who you are, if she doesn't...it's high time she does. I guess the way I see it...don't be afraid to let your face express how you really feel, she needs to see and know how this important issue really affects you.
Quote: You're wife has been around you for some time, she's used to your size...she should by now know who you are, if she doesn't...it's high time she does. I guess the way I see it...don't be afraid to let your face express how you really feel, she needs to see and know how this important issue really affects you.
Best of luck! GEL
I agree. If you can't be open and genuine with your spouse, what's the point?
Greeneyedlass {{If this is a serious issue for you (as it is for all of us) be serious about it...don't use pretences.}} GEL, no consious pretences. I am working my way to that by eliminating some of my anxieties (anxious smile, what to lessen the gravity) when we have difficult talks. I used to try to balance getting my overall internal message out without hurting her feelings, tough to do when the conversation gets emotional. I am learning better how to HOM and realize she is responsible for how she reacts to what I say, “IF” what I said is with in the bounds of being considered fair and honest.
{{he used to try to play off the intimidating factor of his size by being really friendly...I hate to say it but all too often he came off goofy...}} GEL, seems that I get in that same position. HP even said something similar about her H. I should have videotaped some pervious R talks with my W. It might have been obvious enough for me to change without anyone saying anything.
{{ don't be afraid to let your face express how you really feel, she needs to see and know how this important issue really affects you.}} One of the things I did wrong was to say nothing until things got so bad, then I would blow. I am correcting this by telling my W to stop the disrespect talk (you never / always, you pig etc) much earlier and to say what is bothering her in accounting type ( activity, times it happened, when, where) terms and to also state what she would prefer.
Reading and posting on the BB has helped me to disconnect from W’s feelings as hers, not mine, and I can’t maker her feel any different no mater how hard I try.
Case in point. I posted on another thread that W and I were discussing some R related things. W had her lap dog on her lap and held on to the dog like she was a frightened 12 yr old. I said my piece that was fair (not dirty arguing) and let her be responsible for what she was feeling, and then I went to work. Later in the day or the next day my W actually gave me a hug out of the clear blue. See "How Is corri" on SSM forum.
2nd Chance5 wrote {{I agree. If you can't be open and genuine with your spouse, what's the point?}} Through reading books, here on the BB and interacting posts I am making changes. I did not get in the R mess in a day and do not expect to remedy the problems overnight. I am making changes that I see the W handling and that I have mastered to a degree. Some of the changes seem natural, but many feel so artificial at first I wonder if they will work. I read here on the BB they work for most people so I try them the best way I am able and let the chips fall where they may.
Something that relates: On “New Comers” forum a female poster wrote about her childhood abandonment issues similar to my childhood. It gave me a little insight as to why some of my traits to keep things from getting out of hand might be somewhat universal. Here are kittyclaws posts about her.
kittyclaws wrote {{They are so afraid that they avoid conflict at all cost. They are people pleasers with a need to be compliant, cooperative, and agreeable. Along with the internalized rejection and the compliant attitude they aren't really separate people but co-dependents.
W said I was co-dependent. She was a facilitator assistant where she worked. W’s idea of a M is to do what makes you happy, the spouse counts, but not much as I think the spouse counts.
I am not saying am like this all of the time, just during stressful R talks and interactions. I handle business, work, and friendly relationships well most of the time but have had a few incidents where walking away was what I chose to do because of the conflict.
OG Lou. Ways not to be fused. HOM, you can’t make anyone happy, you are responsible for how you react to a situation. If I allow people to disrespect me, they will.
PS. Thanks ladies for telling me what what your man or male friends do that turn you off. I read the JJ's and LP posts about the snoopy dance JJ H did at a wedding and that mature women want a wolf in a relationship / sexual encounter. And I thought "nice / cute" was working.
Quote: Through reading books, here on the BB and interacting posts I am making changes. I did not get in the R mess in a day and do not expect to remedy the problems overnight. I am making changes that I see the W handling and that I have mastered to a degree. Some of the changes seem natural, but many feel so artificial at first I wonder if they will work. I read here on the BB they work for most people so I try them the best way I am able and let the chips fall where they may.
FYI, you're doing great! It does take time to make changes in our behavior, you're absolutely correct there :-) And sure, some of the changes may feel artificial at first...many times anything we do (that's forced) when trying to make changes in our behavior that's outside our "norm" or "comfort zone" will feel false or artificial.
It is so apparant to our spouses that we want change, what they don't so readily see (or at least recognize) is all the hard work you/I/& many of us are putting in to make changes in ourselves as well....for the health of our R's.
I find it kind of scary that you thought my list was hard to meet. I see you as a women that has really worked hard to improve things, you are light years ahead of my own wife, and yet my list was even hard for you. If it is hard for you, then it will probably look impossible to my wife.
I have had some conversations with my wife. I am trying to start much smaller. Right now we are working to be "Friends". But let's say we worked on Kissing. She does not like to kiss me. Other then pecks on the cheek, no other kissing in last 3 years. And even when I asked for her kisses, it was like "Oh, OK." and then a quick impassionate closed mouth kiss. So how can I change that so she will kiss me with genuine passion. I don't want anything from her that is "FORCED", forced effort SUCKS BIG TIME. How do you ever get to the point where the LD "WANTS" to do these things. What can I change that will really make her want to change things?
Quote: What can I change that will really make her want to change things?
CeMar, I know you didn't ask me for this....but you are the only person who can answer the above question. It comes back to you've got to take a good, hard look at yourself.
cemar wrote: --------------- What can I change that will really make her want to change things? ---------------
I seem to recall your posting that she wanted you to be more manly and stand up for yourself.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: What can I change that will really make her want to change things?
You can say to her: "I am no longer willing to live in a marriage in which you refuse to kiss me. In what ways can we work towards putting this back into our marriage?"
Nothing's gonna happen as long as you keep doing nothing.
