Greeneyedlass {{If this is a serious issue for you (as it is for all of us) be serious about it...don't use pretences.}} GEL, no consious pretences. I am working my way to that by eliminating some of my anxieties (anxious smile, what to lessen the gravity) when we have difficult talks. I used to try to balance getting my overall internal message out without hurting her feelings, tough to do when the conversation gets emotional. I am learning better how to HOM and realize she is responsible for how she reacts to what I say, “IF” what I said is with in the bounds of being considered fair and honest.
{{he used to try to play off the intimidating factor of his size by being really friendly...I hate to say it but all too often he came off goofy...}} GEL, seems that I get in that same position. HP even said something similar about her H. I should have videotaped some pervious R talks with my W. It might have been obvious enough for me to change without anyone saying anything.
{{ don't be afraid to let your face express how you really feel, she needs to see and know how this important issue really affects you.}} One of the things I did wrong was to say nothing until things got so bad, then I would blow. I am correcting this by telling my W to stop the disrespect talk (you never / always, you pig etc) much earlier and to say what is bothering her in accounting type ( activity, times it happened, when, where) terms and to also state what she would prefer.
Reading and posting on the BB has helped me to disconnect from W’s feelings as hers, not mine, and I can’t maker her feel any different no mater how hard I try.
Case in point. I posted on another thread that W and I were discussing some R related things. W had her lap dog on her lap and held on to the dog like she was a frightened 12 yr old. I said my piece that was fair (not dirty arguing) and let her be responsible for what she was feeling, and then I went to work. Later in the day or the next day my W actually gave me a hug out of the clear blue. See "How Is corri" on SSM forum.
2nd Chance5 wrote {{I agree. If you can't be open and genuine with your spouse, what's the point?}} Through reading books, here on the BB and interacting posts I am making changes. I did not get in the R mess in a day and do not expect to remedy the problems overnight. I am making changes that I see the W handling and that I have mastered to a degree. Some of the changes seem natural, but many feel so artificial at first I wonder if they will work. I read here on the BB they work for most people so I try them the best way I am able and let the chips fall where they may.
Something that relates: On “New Comers” forum a female poster wrote about her childhood abandonment issues similar to my childhood. It gave me a little insight as to why some of my traits to keep things from getting out of hand might be somewhat universal. Here are kittyclaws posts about her.
kittyclaws wrote {{They are so afraid that they avoid conflict at all cost. They are people pleasers with a need to be compliant, cooperative, and agreeable. Along with the internalized rejection and the compliant attitude they aren't really separate people but co-dependents.
W said I was co-dependent. She was a facilitator assistant where she worked. W’s idea of a M is to do what makes you happy, the spouse counts, but not much as I think the spouse counts.
I am not saying am like this all of the time, just during stressful R talks and interactions. I handle business, work, and friendly relationships well most of the time but have had a few incidents where walking away was what I chose to do because of the conflict.
OG Lou. Ways not to be fused. HOM, you can’t make anyone happy, you are responsible for how you react to a situation. If I allow people to disrespect me, they will.
PS. Thanks ladies for telling me what what your man or male friends do that turn you off. I read the JJ's and LP posts about the snoopy dance JJ H did at a wedding and that mature women want a wolf in a relationship / sexual encounter. And I thought "nice / cute" was working.
