Quote: how do LDW ever become lovers? I just can't see how they can.
CeMar,
There are women on here who were LD (myself included) we've tried to clue you in on what it took for us to become women who want sex...now that may never make us your version of an HDW, but I can tell you for a fact this. I used to be a woman who dreaded sex with my H (previous H), I didn't want it, I didn't like it, he turned me off!!! And you know what...his pestering it for me just made me view him as a real pain in the butt and that was a huge turn off too.
I became a woman who now likes & enjoys sex because I wanted to, I did it for myself. I could never have done that without a very patient partner though. Someone who respected me and encouraged me in a quiet/gentle way...not demanding.
Here I go...being really blunt again. I know you use this BB to vent quite a bit (heck we all do that) but bear with me here. You lack patience and you've got a VERY NEGATIVE attitude towards your W. Making statements such as ... "how do LDW ever become lovers? I just can't see how they can." is very negative. Do I blame you for having negativity, heck no...I know how frustrating it is, but you've got to get that negativity under control.
IMHO...from reading your posts (and I've read many, although I've not always responded) you're M is in a tailspin...and you know what? You aren't helping to pull it out of that tailspin. You're still waiting for her to do it all...and that my friend, ain't how it works...not if you want to succeed.
Now I'm not saying she doesn't need to step up and understand that there's a problem and help you fix it. But what I am saying is...she's not likely to take you seriously and see there's a real problem until you do the following (I sure wouldn't):
1. Stop saying "can't/won't" regarding her 2. Ditch the pain in the ass negativity (it's a self-fullfilling prophecy) 3. Take a really good look at how you interact with her. 4. COMMUNICATE (clearly/concisely/no B.S.)...and keep communicating kindly, but say what you need to.
I'm going to repeat something to you that I've said before. And I'm serious here. You're posts often have a very dismal/disrepectful view of your wife...and sometimes women. This view/attitude (whatever you want to call it) will (& does) translate into real life and your interactions with your W.
I've was once involved with a man who had a very negative attitude...constantly said things about what he wanted (work or relationship) and then would follow up with things like...but they won't or you can't....know what? When those comments of "you won't" or "you can't" were directed at me I felt put down, squashed, held back....disrespected. Negativity will absolutely kill cooperation when it comes to your spouse.
I know this is more than you asked for from that one little post but there it is
To be honest...who wants to be put down? I would have responded much better to him talking about a solution, asking for my input...rather than bitching about something and then following it up with..."but you can't (or you won't)". For me sentences that include words such as "can't/won't/always/never" are fairly closed-ended, they don't invite a response...and often shut you down; especially when you hear them over and over again.
If he'd have once approached me calmly and said something like...."Hon, I need to talk to you...you may not like what I have to say...but this is really important to me so hear me out." That would have gotten my attention, I wouldn't have felt put down or shut down. I guess what I'm saying is I would have been much more open to "hearing" what he had to say...which in turn would have most likely made me more cooperative towards a solution.
My LDH at the beginning of this process used to tell me "you always have to have your way", to which I began to respond "give me one example of a time that I've gotten my way over you". I learned quickly he was battling for control over me (not control of me, but over me)...which was really silly given my nature...but for him it was a self-defensive pre-emptive strike (trying to make sure I didn't do what his ex-wife did to him).
Fortunately he's now in therapy (which is helping considerably). But I know...if I had been approached calmly and respectfully by my ex I would have been more open...and that's what I've learned to make sure I do with my H...I get much, much better results when I take this approach. Now this doesn't mean I sugar coat things...I don't. I say what I need to say, sometimes he doesn't like it...but I do it calmly and he'll listen. I've learned that taking this approach really helps us to communicate too.
What would prove she desires me? Well, since my love language is physical touch, everything that I want from her is basically going to be physical.
Here is a list of some things that would work:
1) I want her to kis me when we wake up, when we go to bed, and maybe meet me at the door after work. Some kisses can be pecks, some should linger, some should be "French". 2) Have sex at least 3x a week, if not more. 3) Flirt with me. 4) Cuiddle with me. 5) Hold hands IN PUBLIC. 6) When we are with other people, I want her to sit by me, to TOUCH me, to caress me. 7) Tell me she loves me. 8) Come to bed NAKED with me, rather then completely covered up. 9) Give me BJ's to completion. She now finds oral sex digusting, except for her. 10) Express an interest in my body! I work hard on it! 11) Act like she can't keep her hands off me. She NEVER touches me first!
This list is just a small sampling of what I want from her. Now the HARDEST part, I do not want ANYTHING from her if I detect that it is an act or work. It is VERY easy to read her body language, and I don't want ANYTHING from her that is not genuine. WHo wants to do any activity if the person your with has little to no interest in that activity. I want her to WANT to pleasure me without me having to ask.
It was a great post, btw. It helps me in my sitch, too.
A patient S is a tremendous help, but don't minimize your "Corri-azation" experience. You found out what YOU wanted and accepted yourself for wanting it. Luckily for your H, part of it was sex. Hopefully, he'll find that out.
Cemar, My goodness, that is some list! I'm HD but if I were presented with this list, I'd probably withdraw too! You're looking for a lightning bolt and ignoring the small signs. Take it one step at a time, look for and appreciate the small gestures that she shows. That she is willing at all is probably a huge step for her. Accept that for the loving effort it is, praise her for it, and give her room to get comfortable and grow with it. Listen to her, tell her in a loving way how her holding back makes you feel. Find out how you are making her feel, listen and try to change yourself to meet her halfway. You are not going to change her by asking her to meet a list of demands that from her POV is an impossible list. Before she does anything more, you need to make some really big changes in yourself. I imagine she is also miserable, frustrated, and doesn't have a clue how to fix things. Have you considered counselling? How about attending a WWME weekend? What is her love language? Have you even bothered to ask?
--GGB, who might have had a similar list not so long ago.
Are you saying that you want your wife to lust for you 24/7? Are you saying that you want her to be thinking, "Oh, God, look at the body... I have to have his cock in my mouth RIGHT NOW."
Is that what you are saying, or is that just how I'm interpreting it? (Really, please tell me).
Have you communicated this list to your wife? What does she say?
