To be honest...who wants to be put down? I would have responded much better to him talking about a solution, asking for my input...rather than bitching about something and then following it up with..."but you can't (or you won't)". For me sentences that include words such as "can't/won't/always/never" are fairly closed-ended, they don't invite a response...and often shut you down; especially when you hear them over and over again.
If he'd have once approached me calmly and said something like...."Hon, I need to talk to you...you may not like what I have to say...but this is really important to me so hear me out." That would have gotten my attention, I wouldn't have felt put down or shut down. I guess what I'm saying is I would have been much more open to "hearing" what he had to say...which in turn would have most likely made me more cooperative towards a solution.
My LDH at the beginning of this process used to tell me "you always have to have your way", to which I began to respond "give me one example of a time that I've gotten my way over you". I learned quickly he was battling for control over me (not control of me, but over me)...which was really silly given my nature...but for him it was a self-defensive pre-emptive strike (trying to make sure I didn't do what his ex-wife did to him).
Fortunately he's now in therapy (which is helping considerably). But I know...if I had been approached calmly and respectfully by my ex I would have been more open...and that's what I've learned to make sure I do with my H...I get much, much better results when I take this approach. Now this doesn't mean I sugar coat things...I don't. I say what I need to say, sometimes he doesn't like it...but I do it calmly and he'll listen. I've learned that taking this approach really helps us to communicate too.
